I Think its Time to Say Goodbye

Five years ago I was lost and broken. I had no hope and I loathed myself. I went through the motions of day to day life, I went to college, I did what I had to to seem normal all the while I was in the center of an epic battle. I was full of sorrow and anxiety and somewhere along the way found myself coping with it all in an "unhealthy" way. I started to be careless, I wanted someone to just say the right thing and save me from myself, from the pain. When that didn't happen I started to hurt myself 20+ times a day, I didn't care if I lived or died. Every day was the same, where can I escape to to cut or where can I do it so it wont be seen, for awhile there I didn't even care what I used as long as it was sharp. I'd lost myself. Five years ago today, though, I hit rock bottom, and I hit it hard. I couldn't do it, I couldn't face the pain any longer, the nauseating anxiety, I couldn't do it, I wasn't strong enough. I was ready to die. I ended up in the psych ward where they didn't fix everything, but they set me in the right direction. The first few days were tough, i felt like id let everyone down. My sister two states away calling me very much upset and my little brother having to visit me there on his birthday, and my parents almost completely clueless to what had been going on, angeleah who risked our entire friendship trying to save me. My head was full of negative racing thoughts, I had screwed up. It wasn't til then that I realized how many people I had in my army,how I wasn't just in the fight alone, and I had a second chance.


Fast forward five years to today. It has been quite the rollercoaster. I've pushed myself beyond what I thought were my limits, I've done things that make me extremely uncomfortable to become a better person and to not let my anxiety keep me down. I've met amazing people who all played a little part in my recovering even though they most likely don't even know it, I could never have lasted this long alone. I've been through two therapists, one psychiatrist, a ton of different meds, and a girlfriend who wont let me quit no matter how much I want to. Five years and pretty much every day is a battle still, but these days I win more often than not. I get urges, I've relapsed and quit again many times, it isn't all rainbows and sun shines, but it sure as hell isn't a huge black cloud threatening to swallow me whole anymore. I'm in a good spot; I have found a place that I feel like I belong and am doing what I love to do, helping people; and my story and my experiences make me relatable in ways that others aren't, I see things differently, i don't judge mental illness or addiction, i understand what people are going through, and i like that. I wouldn't have that if I hadn't had to fight my own battle.


All of this is why I am saying goodbye. This chapter of my life is closing. I started this blog so that others could read it and know that they aren't alone and so that people who didn't understand self harm could maybe learn something. I didn't think much would really come of it, but in the end a handful of people messaged me for help or to talk and that's awesome. I'm not disappearing forever, I will still get messages and comments people post,but I think its time for me to move forward.


Until the next blog I decide to start,
Sara Benson

I Think its Time for More than Baby Steps

It isn't fair, really, being a crazy and all..i never asked for this fate of mine, I didn't do anything to deserve this.




But I must live with it, whether I like it or not. I cant run, I cant hide from my demons, I cant let bipolar and self harm hold me back. I won't, and that's hard sometimes.




Its been almost five years since I was admitted to Fairfax. Five, long, tough, tiring years. I have come so far. Often times I have to remind myself of that. Remind myself how far I've come from rock bottom, how much I have overcome. I have proven myself.




I find it easy to start to feel shame and defeat, though. Shame in where I have been, shame in my desire, my need, to go to a blade to fix the mess in my head. Shame that that even exists in my life. Defeat because I should be so much farther in life. I should have graduated college, healthy, doing something great.




But who would I be then? If all I did was go to college and go the normal path.... I wouldn't have had to fight a battle that has made me stronger than ever, I wouldn't have been able to connect with so many people and be relatable to so many people who just need someone who understands the struggle, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the small things in life like I do now, I wouldn't appreciate the feeling of happiness, I wouldn't have hit rock bottom and been able to start anew.




Somewhere along the way, in the last year, I decided that baby steps weren't going to cut it for me anymore, I needed to make strides, to go all in and push myself farther than I ever had before. I had to allow myself to try new things and feel uncomfortable. I had to let people in and be a part of my story.


So this is where I am:
1. Volunteer EMT with a fire department.
2. Went through a whole new EMT class. It was hard. I survived it...top of the class.
3. I've opened up to the idea of training to become a firefighter.
4. I've allowed myself to make friends, be social...or at least a bit more social.
5. I have applied to ambulance companies and other EMT openings despite the fear and self doubt that has held me back for so long.


I haven't given up, even if alot of days are a fight to stay afloat. For right now, I plan to continue kicking ass as an EMT...or, you know, fumbling along feeling awesome because I get to ride in a fire engine.




I guess the moral of the story is that if you're bipolar, depressed, anxious, self harming, just plain old scared to move forward....that is ok. Let those things be part of you, let them exist, but don't let them take over and run your life. Your mental illness or addictions or fears, they don't define you, you can push through, be strong, and be something great.

Thinking 23

Was just my birthday about a month and a half back. I am twenty three now, I am feeling very old. This year is gonna be a good one, a major change, a total turn around....I want it to be better then the last few.

I have been working hard getting my stuff together and working towards my dream. For those of you who don't know what that is, I want to be an EMT. I want to save people, make a difference, have a new adventure every day. I passed my EMT course last year and got nationally certified, but I was too scared and didn't know if I could handle it, I don't like screwing up and these are lives on the line here.

In any case, I am doing, I am a volunteer EMT down in Olympia and I'm excited to be starting somewhere. Baby steps. Some day I will be at an ambulance company and working as a career. For now I am volunteering as an EMT and working full time at avisbudget and volunteering every Saturday working in the Mary bride emergency department and every now and again watching evan...yeah I am busy, I like it that way.

I'm not going to lie, though, I'm not perfect. Twenty three is by no means going to be a breeze, I am still a crazy, I still do struggle, I go up and I go down and I feel the urge and I fight. I will always fight, I want to be strong. I want to be a strong, healthy EMT that people look up to.

All in all, things are coming along just fine for now. I'm too stubborn to give up on my dream and to just give in to my fears and urges. I am strong. I'm an EMT.

I Thought I Had Quit

**this post is a tad contradictory to the last, but hey, lifes a roller coaster, things never stay the same long**

We all know that old saying, 'two steps forward, one step back' or even (for those of you who fall under the category of cynical) 'one step forward, two steps back'.

 For me, its one and a half years forward, one cut back.

Now, I could let the fact that I slipped up ruin me and throw me back into a tornado of self destruction (for dramatic affect of course), but I don't regret it at all.

I feel GOOD.

I realized, somewhere along the way, that it isn't all about how long you go without being a harm to yourself, but how much effort you put in to bettering yourself. As long as you're trying, I mean really trying, you're making good progress.

So yeah, one and a half years sounded good and people were proud cause it had been so long, but it didn't feel right. I didn't feel good about how long id gone, I wanted to turn back.

So I gave in, I got overwhelmed, I let my weakness overcome me, and I cut.

I went in to it knowing it was my last, knowing that I got one chance and then im done, knowing there was always a small possibility that id fall back into the same pattern as I always did.

But I didn't.

This was different because I knew, I knew that I just needed to have closure, to know it was over, but not just decide one day Willy nilly after id cut like I did before.

This was definite. Since this happened a couple months back, I have felt positive about my progress. Since then I've hardly had any urges. It crosses my mind every so often, but its harmless, just a memory. I went in knowing it was my last and I feel confident that it really was my last.

 I'm feeling....strong.

One year towards the rest of my life

My one goal: make it a year. Yeah right, you're crazy, that'd never happen, impossible I said, crazy talk. But why not try?! I've got nothing to lose and, surprisingly, a lot to gain (which took me awhile to see).

When you're waiting for something to come or something to happen it seems like it takes decades. You just keep waiting for the end result, but it is just right out of your reach, it tortures you, it gawks at you. I felt like a year was an eternity, was I ready to give up my blade for an eternity? I wasn't confident in myself, I doubted my own strength (I still don't).....i was scared.

So, i  guess what it all boils down to is that my goal of making it one year really was me making it an eternity. What was I to do? Go a year and then PHEWW I made it, lets start again...i dont think that'd work. My goal was me really saying that I'm dedicated to my healing, I was ready to fight no matter what.

As of February 10,2014 I have successfully made it one year without turning to a blade, without taking the easy route. Its hard at times, really hard, but I am still going strong and don't plan on giving up.

My life has been changing a ton, not just completing my biggest goal, but I am in a program to become an EMT and if I pass the test at the end of the month I could be certified (crazy!!),and I've gotten a new therapist. Her name, just like the last one, is Beth so I just call her "new Beth". I think I like her, I just don't like talking about me still, and finally I moved out of my parents house.

I feel like things may be looking up and I am doing what I can to stay cut free and move forward in my life. I want to be able to look back and be proud of how far I've come.