Monster Inside the Dark

*When times are confusing,scary, manic, I write,draw,paint, never sure of what will come of it. Everything comes straight from my brain, I don't think, just let the pen throw things down. So, as I have had a rough week, I was not all in my right mind, this poem is what came of it. I would love to hear what people on the outside have to say about it, good or bad, I don't have any expectations or attachments toward it, just want to see how its seen from a different angle. Also, poem could potentially be triggering, so if that's a problem for you I encourage you to skip this post.


The lights are off
as if I forgot to pay
The light bill again

The darkness is scary, consuming, evil.
There's no where you can go
to get away

It hugs you
tighter than you can handle
Not giving in, refusing to let you free
sucking the breathe straight out of you.

You fight, you push, you pull
The grip only gets tighter
The monster in shadows is real
Once it gets you there is no way out

You only have one choice
Be the sacrifice
Let the monster take you, consume you
Eat you and spit you out
You take your final breathe

The lights are back on
They come in to save you
but its far too late, you're forever lost
They find your lifeless body laying in a bloody mess.

Tears fill their eyes, they are too late
I'm gone, sacrificed to save them all
No one deserves this, all I've gone through
I want them to know it was for them
My blood, the sacrifice

But what is it they see?
What was a monster to me
was really nothing BUT me

Those tight, evil arms of the monster were nothing
but my own anxiety, taking over me
The teeth that digged deep into my skin, a pain undefinable,
was the sharp edge of a brand new blade

I did this.
I lost control.
I wasn't thinking straight.
I didn't care to fight it.
I was submissive to my own internal monster

I wanted blood,
I would stop until I got it.
Once slice, two slice, three
Then it was the end for me.

Blood, Blood everywhere
Red, crimson, beautiful
Sticky against my pale white skin
A cut so deep that I can literally see inside.
My skin opened like a zipper.

I guess I should have opened my eyes.
I should have seen that the monster was me.
Now its too late,
But you can all learn from me,
Let me be your sacrifice
And don't forget to pay the electric bill again.

Armor of Love

We all struggle. Cutting is a dificult thing. It comes in waves and you have to hang on to something, anything to anchor you yo reality. Reality that you can make it. Like every wave, it will pass.

I will admit that I forget that sometimes also. It is hard to think optimistically when the wave of emotions are crushing you, you can't breathe.

The breathe comes back, the strength of desire and hate loosens, at least enough for you to think straight, not give in.

Here is the thing, the other day I was going to cut myself. Hell, who cares about one stupid month. Who cares about quitting, I want what I want. Those are some of the thoughts holding me down. I wasn't sure what to do, but that tiny part rooting to stay calm and make it through, I heard it. A little crowd in my head, all the people I know love me and want me to be healthy.

The people I would never want to let down, the people who would be crushed if I just happened to cut too deep.

So what did I do...

Well, It started with a butterfly. Some words. Then names. Fast they leaked onto my skin, I couldn't stop. Then more butterflies and words of simple encouragement.

There I was, staring at my front to back,side to side, top to bottom covered arm. If I wanted to cut I had to get through them.

It worked. The people I live saved me that time and they don't even know it. You people, you were all there with me, at that moment, holding me close.

So here is what I drew/wrote, although you can only see half of it I thought Itd get the point across, more or less.

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quitting thoughts

I don't want to...

I don't want to NEVER cut again.

It hit me...

It hit me hard in the car the other day.

If I stop, I stop...

No more.

No more cutting.

No more blood beading fresh where I just sliced.

No more feeling quick relief.

It has been one and a half months.

I don't want to.

Don't want to set myself up for failure.

If I say it...

If I say I am quitting for good aloud, there's expectations.

I can't fail.

It's scary, ya know, it's scary to really quit, to lose your security blanket for good. Once that thought hits you it hits like a pile of bricks, it's rough.

I have quit, for good, forever. Ok, even I don't really believe that, but it does feel different this time. My meds are finally the most stable they have been and I feel that it may actually be possible. For real.

I still have my days where the anxiety drowns me and I can't get to the surface, but:

         1. I believe I can hold out

         2. It will end

         3. It doesn't happen as often as           it used to.

I'm just making it, day by day, even hour by h our, just making it through.

As always.

As always just "making it through".

It's like beating a dead horse (aka pointless) why do I write my blog still? Well, I am not too sure anymore. I want ti help, make a difference, byes does my dead horse make any difference at all?

My loop of broken to pieces and wanting to die by my own hand to thinking I can quit and back again.

I feel like I'm just full of shit. Forever struggling and preaching about getting better when I can't myself.

I'm hoping things change this time, hoping I can make it.

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Not Alone, We Are All Crazy

I came across this site the other day, it is full of testimonies of a bunch of different people dealing with a number of different things. If you are feeling alone and like no one understands what you are going through, read one, maybe it will help ya out.

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/reallives/index.cfm/Recovery

Melody's Thought

What's been keeping you busy of late? What's made you grind your teeth? What's been the most pleasant thing to do?

Comment left by Melody Hensley (a couple weeks ago-sorry). 
I have been busy with work,grandma passing,spending time with my grandpa,just plain old being too tired for anything really. I am no teeth grinder,ha. You know, my grandfather and I are best friends since as long as I can remember, being able to spend so much time with him lately, not under awesome circumstances, but it had been real nice. Also, he works with me twice a week so I get to see him at work and that too is nice.Other than that I have just been busy with the usual, little things in life, nothing real special. I have just been working on me and getting to the place I need to be, think I am in a good place right now, trying not to lose that.

Bipolar Thoughts

As I have written my blog I have covered a lot, but realized that a lot of people dont really understand bipolar disorder. Talking to people,several have asked me in the past weeks so I figured Id do my best to cover it for those of you uncertain about it.

So many people are bipolar, going into Fairfax was a shock to me because everyone had it, it was the norm. Out in the "real world" it obviously isnt something just go ahead and talk about, but still, there are so many people dealing with it everyday. And its different for everyone.

Bipolar disorder is a condition where people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very quick.

And for those who dont know what mania is, it is a state of abnormally elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and/or energy levels. Mania is the opposite of depression, but to the max.

Anyways, most would think that bipolar is simple happy/sad, I can tell you that you are incorrect. When I was diagnosed bipolar the psychiatrist and I talked things over and we came to the conclusion that my highs are furious/angry and my low is depression, major depression. Im sure you can imagine how important it is to stay on that stable line in the middle.

Most all people who are diagnosed bipolar have dealt with mania or hypomania at one time or another. Hypomania usually lasts about four days and is just a lesser version of mania, still unpleasant though.

If you know people who are bipolar, you can tell that their moods are way off sometimes, well, that isnt easy for them (if it was they would be amazing) so be aware. It is a annoying,angering,lonely,make you feel crazy thing to have to deal with. 

Moral is 1) if you suffer from bipolar disorder of any degree, know that you are so not alone, and you arent crazy either. Probably more normal than people who dont have it, but dont tell them that  :) 2) if you don't have it and have to deal with someone who does, be patient. We don't want these feelings just as much as you don't want the after math.

Bipolar shouldn't be taboo or something you're scared to share about yourself. You are who you are, as odd is it sounds, you have to embrace it. Let it just be a part of you.

*If you are struggling and want to chat feel free to shoot me a message.