One thing I have missed about life, while I have been broken and depressed, is the ability to marvel. It sounds like such a ridiculous thing, however, years ago, when my head was clear, I marveled at everything. Being a very observant person it wasn't hard for me to see the tiniest of things, and those things are the ones worth marveling.
The reason that I bring this up is because for the first time in years, not only have I felt like I've had "good" days, but I have been able to marvel again. Oh, life is so beautiful if you can allow yourself to see it, Ive known that all along I just haven't been able to actually see it, like I had blinders on that only showed the bad, the ugly.
I don't know, if you cant tell, I have kind of been feeling ok. Obviously I wouldn't really say I'm feeling good, but at this time in my life, the fact that I feel ok at all is astonishing. In all honesty, I don't know how to feel this way anymore, I kind of am worried about feeling a way that is so foreign to me, its uncomfortable.
I feel silly being so cautious of being ok, it should be a good thing, I know that, but its so weird. I find myself going about my business and just wanting to sob, I feel good, but something inside me still wants to just sob, maybe its a good sob, maybe not, I don't know. I am working on all these feelings, they're so different, so not what I am used to, I don't even remember the last time I felt the least bit ok.
As for work and cutting and such, I have been exhausted beyond belief, stretching pretty thin still and I haven't cut in two weeks or so, I decided I didn't want to keep track anymore. Im just trying to let myself live a little and being at work makes me feel like I am actually doing something, not just sitting around being miserable.
Anyways, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to sit down, look around, and let yourself marvel. Marvel at the way the grass sways in the breeze, the way the mountain looks, the way a little caterpillar moves along a branch, anything, just marvel, whatever you find beautiful. Give it a shot, it wont hurt anything.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Checking in
My posts have been few and far between, I haven't had a whole lot to share. I have been working pretty much seven to six everyday and am pretty exhausted, I crash as soon as I get home, pretty much.
Thing are rough right now, different than they were before, but rough nonetheless. I kind of feel lost, I'm uncertain of whats real or not, makes me feel crazy.
I have scared myself, being to numb to care about anything, too numb to decide whats too much, where is a limit.
Its scary being scared of yourself, if that makes sense to any of you.
A man I work with, Juan, tells me everyday "look at the bright side", "forget about the outcome, enjoy the journey", "what makes you happy", "be happy because God has given us everything we need and will guide us", ok well like I have gone over before, I am a major pessimist, but I try and enjoy my journey.
To enjoy my journey I must look at the small things, big things seem impossible, so when there is something that actually makes me smile, it a little spark I hold on for a long time. Example, the moon. For some reason it makes me so happy, so sometimes I just make sure to take the time and look at something so trivial to the world.
Also, being with people I enjoy, thats a big one. There isnt a whole lot of people that actually make me happy, but the ones that do are wonderful.
I think that seeing those little things is so hard when your brain is only able to see the bad, but it only means you have to work harder to see them and when you do they are that much more amazing.
So remember, Just Enjoy the Journey.
Thing are rough right now, different than they were before, but rough nonetheless. I kind of feel lost, I'm uncertain of whats real or not, makes me feel crazy.
I have scared myself, being to numb to care about anything, too numb to decide whats too much, where is a limit.
Its scary being scared of yourself, if that makes sense to any of you.
A man I work with, Juan, tells me everyday "look at the bright side", "forget about the outcome, enjoy the journey", "what makes you happy", "be happy because God has given us everything we need and will guide us", ok well like I have gone over before, I am a major pessimist, but I try and enjoy my journey.
To enjoy my journey I must look at the small things, big things seem impossible, so when there is something that actually makes me smile, it a little spark I hold on for a long time. Example, the moon. For some reason it makes me so happy, so sometimes I just make sure to take the time and look at something so trivial to the world.
Also, being with people I enjoy, thats a big one. There isnt a whole lot of people that actually make me happy, but the ones that do are wonderful.
I think that seeing those little things is so hard when your brain is only able to see the bad, but it only means you have to work harder to see them and when you do they are that much more amazing.
So remember, Just Enjoy the Journey.
oh my love
Oh my love
You are so beautiful
Your teeth sparkle when you smile
Your fingers feel perfect as they glide across my skin.
Oh my love, youre like a siren calling to me
Im enticed by your beautiful song
One touch and I melt away
One kiss is never enough to satisfy
Oh my love, your kiss can never be compared
You leave the red stain of your lips forever on my ivory
skin
You make me feel alive
Like I have never been before
Oh my love, I hate to say
That our time is up, we must part ways
Its so hard to let go, but please don’t make me beg
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Lonely Thought
Since there are the very few of you who expressed that you wanted me to keep on, I decided that I will let this little charade go on a little longer. I imagine I will find something to say, tell you guys about my day to day stuff, old journal thoughts that show where I was at certain times.
So here I am, still going.
Something that has really been on my mind the last couple weeks as I started work and everything is the fact that this battle is so completely lonely. Of course I have supporters who want to help me through it, but its all so inside. There really isn't anything for people to do, I have to get past it myself, no one can do it for me.
Sometimes, I sure wish someone could just do it for me, but that's weak, getting through all of this will only make me stronger some day.
Its tough knowing that most everybody hasn't a clue what I am going through, this isn't something that can really be imagined, understood, sympathized, its something that is so foreign to nearly everyone.
I guess at some point I will actually be alright with the fact that no one really knows, but for now, while im in the middle of it all, I am ,honestly, frustrated.
And for those of you who are going through this kind of battle, I am along with you, we are physically together, well most of us, but as a collective group of people we are always together, fighting and supporting. There always is one person that kind of gets it, if you dont have that, come find me, you deserve that person.
So here I am, still going.
Something that has really been on my mind the last couple weeks as I started work and everything is the fact that this battle is so completely lonely. Of course I have supporters who want to help me through it, but its all so inside. There really isn't anything for people to do, I have to get past it myself, no one can do it for me.
Sometimes, I sure wish someone could just do it for me, but that's weak, getting through all of this will only make me stronger some day.
Its tough knowing that most everybody hasn't a clue what I am going through, this isn't something that can really be imagined, understood, sympathized, its something that is so foreign to nearly everyone.
I guess at some point I will actually be alright with the fact that no one really knows, but for now, while im in the middle of it all, I am ,honestly, frustrated.
And for those of you who are going through this kind of battle, I am along with you, we are physically together, well most of us, but as a collective group of people we are always together, fighting and supporting. There always is one person that kind of gets it, if you dont have that, come find me, you deserve that person.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
final thought?
Do I end this?
Is there even a point anymore?
I'm in a weird place, which I tend to go ti often these days, and I feel like I'm stuck. I don't feel like anything really matters at all.
So I start to think of this blog and where it is going. Is it doing anything for anyone at all? I've Saud before that one of my goals was to share my story and help others, but I just don't think I'm succeeding with that. I think that its pointless to share my pathetic little story when I know it doesn't matter.
I'm not sure where to go, stop? Keep it going? I'm going to need soñé feed back. Is this blog doing anything, honestly?
Maybe I'm just having a pity party, but I just feel so worn, beaten down, exhausted, maybe like I just can't get things right. I'm just confused about how I feel, I guess...
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