Thoughts of Extreme Exhaustion

Ok, I never do this, but...

I am admitting defeat.

I have worn myself beyond way too thin. I just cant help myself, I work and work and try to please others until its literally killing me. I'm at the point, though, that I cant really do anything about it, I cant stop what I am doing without letting someone down, I have gotten myself into a pickle.

Although I know I do it, I am ridiculous and still try to please the whole world and never want to think of myself. 

I am feeling it. Completely. Its taking a major toll on me, both mentally and physically.

Physically, well, obviously my body is just exhausted tired and I move so much slower than usual, especially at work. I must admit that I was so tired this week that I went to go pick up Evan, the autistic boy that I look after everyday, and fell asleep. I was there about twenty minutes early, fell asleep, and woke up fifteen minutes late. I was so angry with myself, its just that I don't have any time to catch up on my sleep and I literally am on the verge of some major dreamage at all times. It kind of makes life a bit complicated and frustrating because I just have no energy to do anything besides get to bed, and I don't even like to do that. I'm just not the full me, I'm never fully present.

My body also just feels sick, stomach, head, whole body aching, I just hurt.

Mentally, I completely notice how much sleep effects the way you think. I have been more depressed and withdrawn lately. I get caught up in my negative thoughts and have trouble deciphering whats real or not. I know I sound crazy. When I do get the urges though, I don't even have the energy to try to fight, I'm just too defeated before I can even stop myself. Thus, I have cut in recent days, but still doing alright, nothing like I was, in fact its only been once. Its just that I am too tired to care, to fight, and that's never good.

I guess what I am trying to get out is the importance of sleep. Duh, you probably are saying, but being tired and being too tired to function in the regular daily activities are different. It sucks, major, to get that far and I am not entirely sure there's a way out. 

I have to do something fast, but I don't know what... I'm stuck.

Goals Goals Goals

In the midst of all the bad, when I didn't think I could go on, someone told me to just simply make a goal. Not a big one, just one you can handle for the time being. What I mean is, well, make a time that you are going to make it to without hurting yourself.

I still catch myself resorting back to giving myself goals, today alone I have made it through three different goals I set for myself. I guess that the only reason that this actually works for me is that I fear failure so much, I want to make it, not screw it up and just be angry at myself, that would make the urge to hurt myself greater, so its actually important to succeed, not just a B.S. idea.

So here's the thing, I need to set myself a new goal. I feel as though I can go quite awhile, but don't want to push too far. So my goal is to make it until I go to bed tonight without cutting. That way I can start completely new tomorrow.

Anyways, I am confident, at the moment, that I can make it tonight. Just wanted to share a preventive skin with you guys, its kind of just something I picked up and works well enough for me.

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Are You Talking To Me?

"...And please don't fight These hands that are holding you, My hands are holding you" - By your side, Tenth Avenue North

Id probably describe yesterday as completely awful, miserable, dark. I had trouble making it through the day without hurting myself, which is a hard feat considering I work with blades all day long.

Most of it was just that I didnt ever seem to have time alone or anything to get away and actually cut myself. I dont feel like I even cared, I felt so low, I didnt care about fighting or trying to stop myself in anyway, my head was set and I was going to do it.

When my mind gets like that, all scattered, its hard to focus or concentrate on anything else at all. I mean sure I can be at work and be doing many things at once and having conversations and still Im just not really there.

By the end of the night I was shot. I was ready to curl into my ball of defeat and sob. Instead, I ended up at church where I know there are people I trust and something inside of me told me to give up all the blades that I had in my possession, so I did. It was hard, very hard, and the second I let them go I wanted them right back, but with the help I was given and a self made goal I made it through the night, rough as it was, without hurting myself.

Which brings me to the quote above. I was driving to work this morning, around 6:30 am, still feeling the pain of yesterday, the defeat, the sadness, when for some out of the blue reason I turned the channel to a christian station. Now, I havent listened to the christian station in months and months because I feel like the lyrics are all about doing things great for you and hope and well, just not quite ready for that yet.

The first words were "And please don't fight These hands that are holding you, My hands are holding you".
I didnt know what to think of that, It was as though it was talking to me specifically, stop fighting me, I have got you. I guess it was just something that I needed to hear that very moment. I kept have the melody of that song stuck in my head as a little reminder all day and I think that it made this day a bit easier than the last.


I dont know if any of this makes sense, or even matters, but I just thought that, "hey, there is one of those small things that God does to show us hes there". Thought maybe some of you guys could be uplifted by that.


Anyways, tired and worn, I made it through yet another day.

Thoughts of Prevention

Bear with me, folks. I am writing this post as a last ditch effort to make it through the night. I have already taken all my meds and I am a little bit high, groggy, drugged.

I will be honest and tell you that the amount of anxiety that is building up inside of me is completely unbearable.It starts so slow and you just know its coming, an explosion of blood and calmness and craziness altogether as one. Well that's what it feels like.

Thus, I want to grab the blade and use it. Maybe just one little cut....but wait that wasn't quite good enough, maybe four more....they aren't deep enough, maybe two deeper ones. It really just keeps going in circles, I am completely aware of that, but that doesn't mean I want it any less.

So I sit here, pondering the thought of getting up to get the blade, release the anxiety thats pent up deep inside of me. I want to, I dont, I do, I dont want to.

Ok so heres the deal, I am high on medication right now and just neded to write things down, sorry its confused. Just know, I am certain I am going to make it through this night without the help of the blade. Even if I have to just sit as a pent up ball of anxiety, waiting to fall asleep or go into crazy, I havent a clue what is going on land (kind of the same these days).

Goal: stay in bed, leaving all razor-type objects out of reach. Fall asleep and hope the feeling has died down enough when I wake up.

Love you readers out there, thanks for humoring my blog.

Fly Away

Within all of us is a varying amount of space lint and star dust, the residue from our creation. Most are too busy to notice it, and it is stronger in some than others. It is strongest in those of us who fly and is responsible for an unconscious, subtle desire to slip into some wings and try for the elusive boundaries of our origin. ~K.O. Eckland, "Footprints On Clouds"

The sunniest day of the year, so far, of course I was at work, outside, hot and sweaty and possibly burning. But it isn't just sun, if you pay attention real close there is this wonderful, amazing breeze winding through the cars, rustling in the trees.

I walk towards the QTA, kind of a gas station/car wash at work. The QTA plays as a wind tunnel with even the slightest of breezes so as I got closer to it I lifted my arms, imagining flight. I probably looked ridiculous to any of the guys who could have seen me, but I wanted to fly away.

But why?! Why in the world would I want to fly, I hate heights and I am terrified of birds, none of that sounds fun to me. As I thought about it, it occurred to me that the reason I wanted to fly was to just get away, get away from myself.

I harvest a ton of self hatred and I am not entirely sure that's something I will ever get rid of, so as I "flew" across the lot like a little child, it was just me hoping, dreaming to fly away from me, just me, nothing else. To just lift right from my body. I don't like me, I hate me. Strong word, I know, but I guess its a step up from the self loathing that I used to hold on to.

It isn't a good feeling to hate yourself, it isn't a good feeling to feel like you're crawling in the skin of someone you absolutely hate, I don't want that, not for me or anybody else. But how do you fix it? Is it even fixable?

No, Im fairly certain once you hate someone its not something you bounce back from. Hopeless.

Dont let yourself get that far, focus on your positives, not the negatives. Everyone has an amazing beauty in them, if only I could have believed that about myself when I needed to most. Youre beautiful, dont worry, you dont actually have to believe it because I do.