Just a Thought

Monday, March 7, 2016

I Think its Time for More than Baby Steps

It isn't fair, really, being a crazy and all..i never asked for this fate of mine, I didn't do anything to deserve this.

But I must live with it, whether I like it or not. I cant run, I cant hide from my demons, I cant let bipolar and self harm hold me back. I won't, and that's hard sometimes.

Its been almost five years since I was admitted to Fairfax. Five, long, tough, tiring years. I have come so far. Often times I have to remind myself of that. Remind myself how far I've come from rock bottom, how much I have overcome. I have proven myself.

I find it easy to start to feel shame and defeat, though. Shame in where I have been, shame in my desire, my need, to go to a blade to fix the mess in my head. Shame that that even exists in my life. Defeat because I should be so much farther in life. I should have graduated college, healthy, doing something great.

But who would I be then? If all I did was go to college and go the normal path.... I wouldn't have had to fight a battle that has made me stronger than ever, I wouldn't have been able to connect with so many people and be relatable to so many people who just need someone who understands the struggle, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the small things in life like I do now, I wouldn't appreciate the feeling of happiness, I wouldn't have hit rock bottom and been able to start anew.

Somewhere along the way, in the last year, I decided that baby steps weren't going to cut it for me anymore, I needed to make strides, to go all in and push myself farther than I ever had before. I had to allow myself to try new things and feel uncomfortable. I had to let people in and be a part of my story.

So this is where I am:
1. Volunteer EMT with a fire department.
2. Went through a whole new EMT class. It was hard. I survived it...top of the class.
3. I've opened up to the idea of training to become a firefighter.
4. I've allowed myself to make friends, be social...or at least a bit more social.
5. I have applied to ambulance companies and other EMT openings despite the fear and self doubt that has held me back for so long.

I haven't given up, even if alot of days are a fight to stay afloat. For right now, I plan to continue kicking ass as an EMT...or, you know, fumbling along feeling awesome because I get to ride in a fire engine.

I guess the moral of the story is that if you're bipolar, depressed, anxious, self harming, just plain old scared to move forward....that is ok. Let those things be part of you, let them exist, but don't let them take over and run your life. Your mental illness or addictions or fears, they don't define you, you can push through, be strong, and be something great.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Thinking 23

Was just my birthday about a month and a half back. I am twenty three now, I am feeling very old. This year is gonna be a good one, a major change, a total turn around....I want it to be better then the last few.

I have been working hard getting my stuff together and working towards my dream. For those of you who don't know what that is, I want to be an EMT. I want to save people, make a difference, have a new adventure every day. I passed my EMT course last year and got nationally certified, but I was too scared and didn't know if I could handle it, I don't like screwing up and these are lives on the line here.

In any case, I am doing, I am a volunteer EMT down in Olympia and I'm excited to be starting somewhere. Baby steps. Some day I will be at an ambulance company and working as a career. For now I am volunteering as an EMT and working full time at avisbudget and volunteering every Saturday working in the Mary bride emergency department and every now and again watching evan...yeah I am busy, I like it that way.

I'm not going to lie, though, I'm not perfect. Twenty three is by no means going to be a breeze, I am still a crazy, I still do struggle, I go up and I go down and I feel the urge and I fight. I will always fight, I want to be strong. I want to be a strong, healthy EMT that people look up to.

All in all, things are coming along just fine for now. I'm too stubborn to give up on my dream and to just give in to my fears and urges. I am strong. I'm an EMT.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

I Thought I Had Quit

**this post is a tad contradictory to the last, but hey, lifes a roller coaster, things never stay the same long**

We all know that old saying, 'two steps forward, one step back' or even (for those of you who fall under the category of cynical) 'one step forward, two steps back'.

For me, its one and a half years forward, one cut back.

Now, I could let the fact that I slipped up ruin me and throw me back into a tornado of self destruction (for dramatic affect of course), but I don't regret it at all.

I feel GOOD.

I realized, somewhere along the way, that it isn't all about how long you go without being a harm to yourself, but how much effort you put in to bettering yourself. As long as you're trying, I mean really trying, you're making good progress.

So yeah, one and a half years sounded good and people were proud cause it had been so long, but it didn't feel right. I didn't feel good about how long id gone, I wanted to turn back.

So I gave in, I got overwhelmed, I let my weakness overcome me, and I cut.

I went in to it knowing it was my last, knowing that I got one chance and then im done, knowing there was always a small possibility that id fall back into the same pattern as I always did.

But I didn't.

This was different because I knew, I knew that I just needed to have closure, to know it was over, but not just decide one day Willy nilly after id cut like I did before.

This was definite. Since this happened a couple months back, I have felt positive about my progress. Since then I've hardly had any urges. It crosses my mind every so often, but its harmless, just a memory. I went in knowing it was my last and I feel confident that it really was my last.

I'm feeling....strong.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

One year towards the rest of my life

My one goal: make it a year. Yeah right, you're crazy, that'd never happen, impossible I said, crazy talk. But why not try?! I've got nothing to lose and, surprisingly, a lot to gain (which took me awhile to see).

When you're waiting for something to come or something to happen it seems like it takes decades. You just keep waiting for the end result, but it is just right out of your reach, it tortures you, it gawks at you. I felt like a year was an eternity, was I ready to give up my blade for an eternity? I wasn't confident in myself, I doubted my own strength (I still don't).....i was scared.

So, i guess what it all boils down to is that my goal of making it one year really was me making it an eternity. What was I to do? Go a year and then PHEWW I made it, lets start again...i dont think that'd work. My goal was me really saying that I'm dedicated to my healing, I was ready to fight no matter what.

As of February 10,2014 I have successfully made it one year without turning to a blade, without taking the easy route. Its hard at times, really hard, but I am still going strong and don't plan on giving up.

My life has been changing a ton, not just completing my biggest goal, but I am in a program to become an EMT and if I pass the test at the end of the month I could be certified (crazy!!),and I've gotten a new therapist. Her name, just like the last one, is Beth so I just call her "new Beth". I think I like her, I just don't like talking about me still, and finally I moved out of my parents house.

I feel like things may be looking up and I am doing what I can to stay cut free and move forward in my life. I want to be able to look back and be proud of how far I've come.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Evading Death, Blowing Minds

I awoke the other day in a not so good place, i was anxious and depressed and just wanted to be dead. Well, it apparently just wasn't my turn to go yet because I should have died in a series of terrifying events and when all was said and done I got away with just a body of bumps and bruises.

There are several things that I have taken from this experience:\
1. God has a sense of humor. I am certain that he said, "serves you right for even thinking about being dead when it isn't your turn"
2. Angels are strong and definitely protected me.
3. I am surprisingly calm in life or death situations.

OK, so for those of you who don't know what happened, I was in a car accident. I wasn't just in a fender-bender or even a t-bone, I was in a serious, airborne rollover.

For work, one of the things I do is pick up cars from the dealers and bring them back to our lot, Tuesday was just like any other day, drove down to Infiniti in Fife and picked up a G37 I had brought down the day before for a blinking tire pressure light. I was on my way back and for some reason decided to go a little different of a route than I usually take, never will I do that again.

I was following a large O'Reilly semi and as we got off I-5 to 518 he got over so I continued straight ahead and that's when the truck started heading back at me, I had no other option but to try and speed up a bit and maybe get by...I didn't. Almost, but the semi ended up clipping my back passenger side. The only thing I thought was, "I am in so much trouble", then I realized I had no control and fishtailed toward the side barrier.

Between the East and West bound traffic is an embankment, in the end, that was my resting place. I flipped over the barrier, just scraping it on the way, and then rolled/bounced three times until I was sideways at the bottom of the hill. No airbags went off and no glass broke, it was kind of a miracle.

Anyone who saw it thought I was dead, but I felt completely fine, just a bit shaken up, mostly in shock. A man ran down and kept telling my I should be dead and I had him help me hold the door open so I could climb out. I unbuckled and turned off the engine and then we started the pokey climb back to the road through sticker bushes.

My first thought, obviously, was to call my boss. (that obviously was sarcasm). Then I called the police and then my dad who doesn't work too far from where it all happened. The state patrol came, the ambulance came, I sent them away, and I slowly came down from my adrenaline high in the front seat of my dads van.

As it stands, I am back at work, light duty, and have some major bruises from the seat belt (thank GOD for those) and the steering wheel and a sore shoulder and head where I hit the window a couple of times. I am doing pretty well and I am the talk of the town at work.

I don't expect to forget that it happened or feel completely fine, I mean it was a traumatic experience, but I do wish I could stop thinking about it. It has been three days and still its all I can think about. I refuse to be scared to drive, but that doesn't mean I am not anxious when I get in a car. I am anxious, very anxious, but I don't think I have ever been so glad to be alive. God definitely was looking out that day and made sure to send some angels my way.