Working Thoughts

Maybe I am spreading myself too thin...

Ok, I am definitely spreading myself too thin.

But, I have such a need to please people. Wondering what in the world I am talking about? Working!

All last summer I worked at avis budget group, basically stripping and plating cars for rental. I worked there until I ended up in the hospital. My boss, Scott, said that I could have my job back this summer so when he called me I thought long and hard about what I was going to do. For months I have worked with Evan, monday through friday, I couldnt just leave him to go back to avis, he needs me, so I tried to make it work, working everywhere, not letting anyone down.

Here is the problem with avis, I use a razor blade all day, everyday. Maybe its unhealthy for me to jump into that right now, but I have to face it eventually, cant always hide, nonetheless, I was terrified. The thought of going back and having that temptation right in front of me everyday, right in my hand... I was scared, AM scared. Avis was my main source of blades last year and it was so easy to get my hands on them, stealing at least one a week.

So, after much consideration, I decide to take the job AND stay with Evan. I am working almost full time at Avis and leave there to go straight to get Evan, no break. That along with the things I do in the evenings each week....I am already exhausted. I try not to let myself stress over that though, because the anxiety it causes...well was a very large contributor in me going to the psych ward last year.

As for the blade I work with, I honestly havent had a problem yet, I view it merely as a tool. The ones laying on the ground that people drop when they change their blade, those are a bit more dificult to walk away from, but not a big deal still. To prevent myself from cutting, I have a locker and I leave the blade there everyday. I refuse to take it home. Once its out of sight its out of mind, well mostly. I think giving myself those rules, or boundaries, is helping me not feel so overwhelmed with temptation to use my blade on myself.

Im not going to say that working is going to be easy, but I will tell you that I think it is going to be a good test. A test of my strength, my self control, my ability to follow my own self help rituals. Its scary having to deal with this in a simple workplace where it is no big deal to everyone else, but I think I will make it. I will. I will make it, God willing.

If I make it through working at Avis all summer, I think that will be the first time I will be a little proud of myself, maybe help me feel hopeful.

Failing Thoughts

You guys reading this are simply along for the ride, part of my journey, so as hard as this one is, I will fill you on where I have been. It was four and a half months clean, I thought for sure that I could do it this time, I was done for good, well I guess I was wrong.

I started cutting myself again, nothing major, but a small cut here and there. I hadn't felt myself, I was stuck in this place where I was pushing the world away and isolating myself because I just simply wasn't me, that's as far as I can explain it. Anyway, when I get to that point things start to spiral, I had to save myself. It isn't something most people do to save themselves, but I did, I went to a blade, didn't even have to think, my body did it for me. I felt a pure sigh of relief. That feeling I had missed so much, it pulled me back together, I was me again.

When it isn't something you really think about its hard to admit that you had done it, I mean obviously there's cuts on my skin, but it feels so unreal after its all said and done. I figured "oh it was one time, its OK, it was enough", well it was enough for that moment, but days later when I started to feel stuck again I needed more and I knew I could just do it because I just had those days before, it wasn't like I was really fighting anymore so it was OK. I could start up again and hide it from everyone and it would be OK.

I ended up telling on myself, lame I know, and am back at day one. I have to start somewhere and as long as I am willing to do so I will consider it an improvement. One hour at a time.

Beckys Thought

"OK, here goes....I'm sometimes afraid of talking to someone who is emotionally in a difficult spot for fear that I might say something that will send them over the edge. Sometimes I find it hard to be honest about my own hurts and fears and frustrations, because they seem minor compared with what you are going through. And I just want you healthy and better....I can't help it.
Becky"

I'm addressing this comment by Becky because she brings up a good point, even I sometimes feel as though someone Else's struggles are more significant than mine so I should just stay quiet. Truth of the matter is that no ones problems are more than anyone Else's, you cant really compare struggles in that way because every human being struggles differently, they feel it differently. In all, I would say to not be afraid to talk to someone who is going through some major struggles. Its most likely that the person would prefer to hear your problems so they don't have to focus on their own for a bit. It gets rough talking about your own struggles all the time and feeling like you're under a magnifying glass, just saying. You cant make anyone better, but you sure can walk along with them so they don't ever have to feel alone.

A Simple Thought

Im going to keep this one short and sweet for you readers, I am not sure where I am going from here, so I am I just going to open things up for you guys again. I am sure that there are some of you who have something to say or a question to ask, so now is your chance. Leave a comment, I will respond to them in a new post. I just want to know how I can help you, what would help you, and those of you not struggling, educate you. Plus the things I say relate to more than just self harm and depression. Dont be afraid to ask.

Religious Thoughts

Religion is a touchy subject for some of you, so prepare yourselves. I find that many people in my life ask about my relationship with God through all that I have gone through, Im not really sure how to answer that question. I dont think that religion is necessarily a black and white thing.

Years ago, when I wasn't so crazy in the head, I was a christian, a followes of God, I was growing in my relationship with Jesus Christ, I even decided to get baptised, but things slowly changed. I would say the chnage was do to my experiences as well as being away to college.

It isn't abnormal for young adults who head off to college to stop attending church, that isnt what happened to me. I tried out some baptist churches in Great Falls, by the end of the year I was attending catholic mass every week, reading my bible regularly, attending a student led bible study and a religious club on campus, not to mention those rough nights when I ended up in the chapel crying, praying, even cutting , you win some you lose some. I was trying so hard to hold on to God, to stay faithful, to not be a broken mess.

Truth was, I was only going through the motions, God was slipping away, or I guess it was me that was. Where was he? Hes supposed to love me so much and always be there, but I felt like he let me down. Where was he when I was sitting at the bottom of the shower, blood all around me, while I locked myself in the bathroom finding my only relief in a blade, sobbing becuase I just wanted to stop,where was he when I had the biggerst knife in the kitchen, ready to finish it all, where was he when I was trying to break my hand repeatedly, where was he? Why did he let all of that happen to ME, how did I end up in that place? I felt like there was no hope left, God did nothing for me, he was GONE.

Am I strong enough to handle all of this? No, and frankly, I think that that is bull shit. I wasnt ready for all of this, I am weak, not strong enough.

1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

 

I guess that that leads to where I am now. Do I still feel as though God is gone, yeah, most of the time, but there are little ways I see that God is working. First, he gave me strength to write this blog, I prayed over that for a long while before I started it, also, God had to have been there at least for that tiny moment I decided to go along to the hospital, he was leading me along as well as the people involved in getting me the help I needed.

Now, I still go to church, small group, the whole sha-bang. I am still not necessarily happy with God, its hard to get rid of so much anger and to just be hopeful in someone who left you to suffer, but I am trying. I see him more in the little things. Plus, I have got to have God on my side if I am going to save the world.