What is the most vivid memory you have of self harm.
There are so many and I'm hesitant to even share one, but here we go...
It was while I was in great falls, there were many times there, but this time was different. I cut several times, but couldn't feel it, the release, anything at all. I felt crazy and I wanted it to stop. The cuts weren't enough. I tried deeper, blood dripping onto the bathroom tiles, and still nothing. It was never like that before, cutting always worked to calm me down so I went to the kitchen and grabbed a large kitchen knife I had hid from someone who was gonna hurt themselves days before. I grabbed it and headed straight to the extra room in my hallway, my face was blank, my skin was bloody, and my brain was racing. I was everywhere and nowhere at all. I wasn't planning to cut, I was planning to die. Locked away in a room where no one would find me til it was too late. I sent one last text and turned off my phone. I was scared, I needed someone, anyone, so I turned my phone back on. My best friend was freaking out and calling me over and over, I refused to answer conflicted as to what to do. I laid down on the bottom bunk that had no mattress and let the springs dig deep into my back. The knife was on my wrist and I was ready, it was time, I started to dig it in, but then my phone rang again. Something inside told me to just answer it, so I did. The phone up against my ear as I put the knife back into its rightful place. What happened next was nothing. Nothing happened and that's exactly what I needed. We stayed on the phone, knife down but still on the sharp springs, for two hours. Not one of us said a word the whole time, I just needed to not be alone. My tears started and I rolled onto the cold floor feeling so weak and defeated, but alive, barely. My mind had slowed and I knew I could make it through the night, but still I wanted to die. I didn't sleep that night.
Very powerful.
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