Thus far, my blog has been a place to share my journey and any knowledge I may have, however, this post is specifically for those of you who live with/love someone who self harms in any way.
I have been on both sides, I have been the "cutter" and I have been around people who were cutting themselves, so I understand both points of view. As I went back to work this week, I found myself having to really think about what helps me when I feel urged and overwhelmed. I realized that a lot of the fight is an ability to be vulnerable and lean on others, therefore I think it only fair to give you other people some advice as to how to deal.
First of all, be proud. If your loved one is fighting self harm it is sometimes only you being on their side that is helping them fight and you don't even know it. When they make it some time without cutting let them know how proud you are of their progress (of course if you are neutral, then don't lie, it isn't really a HUGE deal). When you are spending so much energy trying to fight something like addiction, it is always nice to hear that even one person is proud that you've gotten as far as you have.
Second, be patient. If a "cutter" is to the point where they want to stop hurting themselves, be patient. It is not easy to stop and its a huge roller coaster that is scary and overwhelming and I realize that that can be frustrating when you just want someone to be better, but it doesn't work that way, you have to keep patient. Its a very slow process to stop self harming, and it will stop (hopefully) eventually, but you have to give it time, don't push.
Third, be willing to deal with blades no questions asked. This may sound silly, but I have found, in my recovery, that giving the blades to other people to get rid of for me has made it easier. I could make the decision to stop the cutting and want to get rid of the blades, but it would be so hard for me to let go and throw it out for good so I gave it to the few people I trusted and let them just get rid of them so I wouldn't have to. This may not work with everyone, but just be prepared nonetheless.
Fourth, if you say you'll be there, BE THERE. This one is very important. There were many times that I may have been able to be stopped from slicing myself if I could only talk to someone I cared about. Sometimes you just need someone there who you can trust is willing to talk you down.
Fifth, Don't go rogue. Don't go rogue means don't try and go all solo and making your own rules. Being that self harm has a lot to do with control, going rogue (or finding someones blades and taking them without talking to the person first) is a no no. Don't just take blades you find, it makes us just more frantic to find something else, no matter what it is, anything that we can use to cut and get relief. It is better for you to just talk to them about it.
Sixth, make lists and plans. Obviously another one that is not for everyone, but for me it worked. I am a list maker so I was always prepared with a mental list of things to do if I felt like I needed to cut and precautions for when I was near blades. Its hard to think of things to stop yourself when you aren't super sure that stopping is what you want, so just help your loved ones out.
Seventh, ask. Asking someone over and over what is wrong or if they are hurting themselves is really annoying, however, sometimes it just takes asking one hundred times before they cave and tell you whats going on. Just don't be afraid to ask even if you don't get an answer.
So there you go, a few things to help you deal with loved ones who self harm. I hope some of these (actually even just one would be nice) help you out. And those of you who are self harming and have stopped by to read this, be patient with your friends and family, they're clueless and usually just as scared as you are, don't be too afraid to let someone into your twisted world.
