The Final Goodbye

I walked in with that old somber feeling, the one that makes me feel like the world is ending, I knew what I was walking into and I just wanted to hold off. Crying is for weak people, I cant cry. I had to stay strong, not let anyone see those glistening tears that threatened to spill over the edge. I took a deep breathe and turned the handle, walking into the cool house like I did every other day.

He wasn't there. Something was wrong. My replacement (she doesn't get a name) filled me in on the delicate situation, you see, autistic kids cant take change. I walked into the yard where Evan was with his grandparents and he was sobbing. My heart shattered to pieces, the feelings that I was feeling inside, he felt it too. He sobbed like I had never seen the poor boy cry before, he too hardly ever cries.

Of course I know how to fix things, but this new girl, she hasn't a clue. Yeah, she will learn, I hope. I calmed him down with a few chocolate cookies I picked up special for him on the way.

Once he was calmed down I spent my final three hours playing with him as if everything was normal, autistic or not we both knew it wasn't a normal day. My replacement fell asleep in the grass, yeah I have so much confidence in her watching him...not.

That last moment had come, his moms boyfriend had gotten there and I had to say my goodbye. With his head down, refusing to look in my direction, he waved me farewell.

I was weak, the whole ride home I sobbed. Tear after tear I couldn't get them to stop, I felt so stupid. I am going to see him again, I said I would babysit any night or weekend they needed, but its hard to say goodbye nonetheless.

Evan went from my everyday to hardly ever. As I write, i cry. I'm broken-hearted by the decision I had to make to take care of myself. I am weak.

B.O.D. Entry 2

*To reader: I am putting a disclaimer on this entry because of some major profanities. It was a very dark time in my head.

I've never tried this before, but I'm going to just write, no thinking, just writing:

anger.hate.death.sadness. fear. alone. completely alone. what do I want?what makes me this way?why do I bother?do I deserve this?I feel like I do. why do I hate myself?why does no one else? Hate.self hate.annoyance.frustration.lonely.maybe scared.I don't think I will ever be ok.Ever.Help! I'm calling for help.what do I do?how do people not feel this way?how did I get so broken?Broken.Extremely broken.No way to repair. Can I handle this? I'm strong.No i'm not, lets be real, I'm weak.always.always been weak.Hurt.No trust.For me. For anyone.bound to be alone.forever.anger.mostly anger.alone.How does it feel?palms sweaty.heart pounding.body weak.Give up.just give up. Is there a point?to holding on?Why?Why do I?Fuck!Fuck!Fuck!Fuck! Help me.body so weak.medicine. Never going to do anything.started tonight.one white pill.sleep.just a bit of sleep. that's all. How do I fix this?How do I become ok?Will I?Ever?No hope.hopeless.broken.in pain.want to die.not kill myself, just die. hand moving.fast.scribbling thoughts.no sense. Is it helping?want to cry.tears tears tears. WEAK. Don't cry.you cant.crying is weak.just cut.give in to it. Let it take over.Why don't I?What stops me?I just don't know.nothing.I know nothing.Save me.....from Myself.

Changing My Life

Everybody wants to do something to contribute to changing the world, do something to change a life, make some sort of impact. For everyone I am sure that the way they want to contribute is different than their neighbors, but nonetheless every single human being wants to feel important.

This here, this is Evan Moore. I watch him every day after school. He is fourteen, is severely autistic and cant really communicate with more than a grunt, he wears a diaper and I have pretty much potty trained him in the last nine months that I have worked with him. He is a good kid, now that I am his person, his routine. 

Going in to this I hadn't a clue what I was walking into, I had never worked with anyone with special needs until Evan and I was kind of thrown into it. I decided to do it, however, because I knew his mom needed someone and I didn't have a job of any kind at the time, and I felt like this is one more way of making an impact in this world, changing the world one person at a time kind of thing. 

Little did I know, Evan changed my life just as much as I changed his. I knew that he needed me, but I didn't realize that I needed him to be in my life. Evan and I have had some pretty tough times, scratches, bites, scars, and all, but as a whole we have bonded in a way that I never knew possible.

Working with Evan has taught me patience I didn't even know was attainable. Everyday is different with him, some happy, some tired, some angry, and some livid, but I have learned to read him enough to keep him calm. Altogether, though, Evan has showed me how important the little things in life are, being able to speak, use a toilet, change my clothes. There have been many, MANY, days that I just want to give up, but then I am with Evan and I have a reason to keep going. His need for me, for the basic daily things, is a major motivator because if I am gone he doesn't have anyone to be his person.

This is why it is killing me to stop working with him, I have seen so much growth in him that has inspired me that its so hard to just stop when he has so far to go. I don't want to lose contact with him completely, but I know that it just isn't healthy to work myself so much everyday and I am always going to be around if his mom needs a sitter.

Evan is my best friend, I spend every day hanging out with him and I am grateful for every moment that I have had with him over the last several months.

When you think you're changing someones life you never realize that they are really changing your life.

Saving Me Subtly

I know I have talked about God and my faith a few times on here, but I guess that when I feel something that has saved me in a moment that I really needed it, you could say it was God, that maybe its worth sharing. Maybe it will mean something to someone else.


This last week has been pretty tough. I have just been pulled so far down and I cant quite lift myself back up, but twice this week have I been saved from cutting. In little, probably insignificant, ways.


First, I had grabbed a razor at work, having full intentions of using it on myself when I was done with work. It was in my pocket all day, wrapped in its perfect little cardboard, waiting for me to unwrap it. I had about an hour left in the day and the guy I was working with asked if I had an extra blade, I'm not sure why he did since the car we get them out of wasn't that far from us, but I gave it to him anyway.


I was going to just get a new one from the car before I left, but they took the car and left before I ever got to it again. I was frustrated. I suppose that I shouldn't be angry with God or maybe it was just coincidence that saved me from cutting myself in the moment, but shoot, I had waited all day and I just needed to do it.


I didn't look for anything else. I didn't cut that day.


Second, I was cleaning up my room today. I was feeling pretty anxious, not really for any reason, but I was urged to hurt myself amongst it all. I hadn't thought about with what yet, but the idea was slowly growing in my head. I all of a sudden realized I was holding my angel penny. This penny, I have had forever, and I have never read what the paper said or had any care in the world about it. I don't even know where I got it.


So I sat down and read this paper. It read:


God's angel in a coin
Is just the ideal place
To remind you that
you're guarded
In each burden that
you face.

For living in this world
does not guarantee
that our lives are filled
with sunshine
Or our days are trouble-free.

So when ours are filled
with sadness
And we need someone to care
its so helpful to remember
that gods angels are aware...

Maybe its coincidence, maybe its God, maybe its just pure chance, I don't know, but nonetheless, it has helped me this week. Take it as it is and take what that paper said and put it into your own life, I think, personally, maybe I outta start caring that penny in my wallet.

ps sorry for the weird white highlight, not sure what happened, but I cant fix it.

Thoughts of Extreme Exhaustion

Ok, I never do this, but...

I am admitting defeat.

I have worn myself beyond way too thin. I just cant help myself, I work and work and try to please others until its literally killing me. I'm at the point, though, that I cant really do anything about it, I cant stop what I am doing without letting someone down, I have gotten myself into a pickle.

Although I know I do it, I am ridiculous and still try to please the whole world and never want to think of myself. 

I am feeling it. Completely. Its taking a major toll on me, both mentally and physically.

Physically, well, obviously my body is just exhausted tired and I move so much slower than usual, especially at work. I must admit that I was so tired this week that I went to go pick up Evan, the autistic boy that I look after everyday, and fell asleep. I was there about twenty minutes early, fell asleep, and woke up fifteen minutes late. I was so angry with myself, its just that I don't have any time to catch up on my sleep and I literally am on the verge of some major dreamage at all times. It kind of makes life a bit complicated and frustrating because I just have no energy to do anything besides get to bed, and I don't even like to do that. I'm just not the full me, I'm never fully present.

My body also just feels sick, stomach, head, whole body aching, I just hurt.

Mentally, I completely notice how much sleep effects the way you think. I have been more depressed and withdrawn lately. I get caught up in my negative thoughts and have trouble deciphering whats real or not. I know I sound crazy. When I do get the urges though, I don't even have the energy to try to fight, I'm just too defeated before I can even stop myself. Thus, I have cut in recent days, but still doing alright, nothing like I was, in fact its only been once. Its just that I am too tired to care, to fight, and that's never good.

I guess what I am trying to get out is the importance of sleep. Duh, you probably are saying, but being tired and being too tired to function in the regular daily activities are different. It sucks, major, to get that far and I am not entirely sure there's a way out. 

I have to do something fast, but I don't know what... I'm stuck.