I am admitting defeat.
I have worn myself beyond way too thin. I just cant help myself, I work and work and try to please others until its literally killing me. I'm at the point, though, that I cant really do anything about it, I cant stop what I am doing without letting someone down, I have gotten myself into a pickle.
Although I know I do it, I am ridiculous and still try to please the whole world and never want to think of myself.
I am feeling it. Completely. Its taking a major toll on me, both mentally and physically.
Physically, well, obviously my body is just exhausted tired and I move so much slower than usual, especially at work. I must admit that I was so tired this week that I went to go pick up Evan, the autistic boy that I look after everyday, and fell asleep. I was there about twenty minutes early, fell asleep, and woke up fifteen minutes late. I was so angry with myself, its just that I don't have any time to catch up on my sleep and I literally am on the verge of some major dreamage at all times. It kind of makes life a bit complicated and frustrating because I just have no energy to do anything besides get to bed, and I don't even like to do that. I'm just not the full me, I'm never fully present.
My body also just feels sick, stomach, head, whole body aching, I just hurt.
Mentally, I completely notice how much sleep effects the way you think. I have been more depressed and withdrawn lately. I get caught up in my negative thoughts and have trouble deciphering whats real or not. I know I sound crazy. When I do get the urges though, I don't even have the energy to try to fight, I'm just too defeated before I can even stop myself. Thus, I have cut in recent days, but still doing alright, nothing like I was, in fact its only been once. Its just that I am too tired to care, to fight, and that's never good.
I guess what I am trying to get out is the importance of sleep. Duh, you probably are saying, but being tired and being too tired to function in the regular daily activities are different. It sucks, major, to get that far and I am not entirely sure there's a way out.
I have to do something fast, but I don't know what... I'm stuck.
Do you need approval from someone to quit something? Are you waiting till the bottom drops out and the decision is removed from you? In the long run, it makes more sense to drop something now (and risk disappointing a few people) than to work yourself into such a frenzy that you can no longer make decisions (therefore letting down a whole bunch of people). As far as letting people down, get over it. You've been disappointed in others and have gotten over it; others have been disappointed by you and are still fully your friends. Life and happiness for other people does not depend on you. Ease off on yourself a bit.
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Whoa Becky, don't hold back. I can't just drop the things I am doing, its impossible, I can't drop evan, which is what I am dropping, until his mom finds someone. Just two more weeks and I will be with just my full time job. What I'm saying is thay I'm by ping to be stuck THIS exhausted til then.
ReplyDeleteThat's a hard place to be Sara. I've been in similar situations and really hate that feeling of knowing I can't continue the way things are, but that I'll be letting people down if I try to stop. Ultimately, I realized that running myself to empty often ended up hurting the people I was working so hard to help. It's a hard balance to find between helping others and looking out for your own needs. Just remember that no one will look out for you or know your limits better than you do. Take care of yourself and you'll be better equipped to take care of others. Love your caring heart, praying for you!
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