A Simple Thought

Im going to keep this one short and sweet for you readers, I am not sure where I am going from here, so I am I just going to open things up for you guys again. I am sure that there are some of you who have something to say or a question to ask, so now is your chance. Leave a comment, I will respond to them in a new post. I just want to know how I can help you, what would help you, and those of you not struggling, educate you. Plus the things I say relate to more than just self harm and depression. Dont be afraid to ask.

Religious Thoughts

Religion is a touchy subject for some of you, so prepare yourselves. I find that many people in my life ask about my relationship with God through all that I have gone through, Im not really sure how to answer that question. I dont think that religion is necessarily a black and white thing.

Years ago, when I wasn't so crazy in the head, I was a christian, a followes of God, I was growing in my relationship with Jesus Christ, I even decided to get baptised, but things slowly changed. I would say the chnage was do to my experiences as well as being away to college.

It isn't abnormal for young adults who head off to college to stop attending church, that isnt what happened to me. I tried out some baptist churches in Great Falls, by the end of the year I was attending catholic mass every week, reading my bible regularly, attending a student led bible study and a religious club on campus, not to mention those rough nights when I ended up in the chapel crying, praying, even cutting , you win some you lose some. I was trying so hard to hold on to God, to stay faithful, to not be a broken mess.

Truth was, I was only going through the motions, God was slipping away, or I guess it was me that was. Where was he? Hes supposed to love me so much and always be there, but I felt like he let me down. Where was he when I was sitting at the bottom of the shower, blood all around me, while I locked myself in the bathroom finding my only relief in a blade, sobbing becuase I just wanted to stop,where was he when I had the biggerst knife in the kitchen, ready to finish it all, where was he when I was trying to break my hand repeatedly, where was he? Why did he let all of that happen to ME, how did I end up in that place? I felt like there was no hope left, God did nothing for me, he was GONE.

Am I strong enough to handle all of this? No, and frankly, I think that that is bull shit. I wasnt ready for all of this, I am weak, not strong enough.

1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

 

I guess that that leads to where I am now. Do I still feel as though God is gone, yeah, most of the time, but there are little ways I see that God is working. First, he gave me strength to write this blog, I prayed over that for a long while before I started it, also, God had to have been there at least for that tiny moment I decided to go along to the hospital, he was leading me along as well as the people involved in getting me the help I needed.

Now, I still go to church, small group, the whole sha-bang. I am still not necessarily happy with God, its hard to get rid of so much anger and to just be hopeful in someone who left you to suffer, but I am trying. I see him more in the little things. Plus, I have got to have God on my side if I am going to save the world.

Butterfly Project

Since trying to stop cutting I have had one rule, Do Not Go And Buy A Blade. Well, this week has been one of the worst in a long while, not cutting makes it even worse because that's the only place my head goes. Pictures of it over and over. So, I failed, the two words that absolutely kill me to say, I went and bought myself some blades with full intentions of using them. Thank God, I have amazing people in my life that I can talk to, that will take those blades even if I don't fully want to let them go.

Now that the blades are gone I am trying something new to stop myself during those weak points.This something is called the Butterfly Project. There are rules:

1.  When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand.
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you don't cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.
6.  Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.
7.  Even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help.

At the moment I have five different butterflies on my body, all drawn on my someone else. Thus far I have held back from cutting and I think the butterflies have played a part in that, I wouldn't want to kill something named for someone I love, sounds silly but it kills me to be a failure. Anyways, those of you who have been in a struggle try this one out, it could help you out at least a little.

B.O.D. Entry 1

If you don't remember from my post about writing, B.O.D stands for the The Book of Darkness, aka the journal I have kept for the last couple years. I figured that I'd let you see where my mind was during my struggles, sometimes its weird to go back and read what I have written and to remember those thoughts.

What am I feeling?
What am I feeling?
What is on my mind?
Whats going on?
Nothing.
I feel nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing is on my mind.
Nothing.
Nothing is going on.
Is nothing a feeling?
Does it count?
I just don't know.
I just don't care.
About anything.
Nothing.
Nothing matters to me.
Sad.
Alone.
When I stop.
When I stop to think.
I feel sad.
I feel alone.
Why?
Why do I bother anymore?
Is it worth it?
Is it worth the fight?
Some would say yes.
Its a lie.
Nothing.
Nothing is worth it.

Birthday Thoughts

The day that most look forward to all year long, the day to celebrate your birth and get gifts, your birthday. Birthdays aren't all that they are cracked up to be, ill tell you that, but nonetheless its so important to so many people. Is it selfishness or genuine joy of being alive another year that makes your birthday so important? Think about that.

The reason that I bring this up is because yesterday, march 19th, was my birthday. This year was a hard birthday to celebrate so instead I told everyone in my life not to celebrate or even bother calling my birthday, it was just Monday, that's all. It isn't as though I am ungrateful for the gifts or the birthday wishes, its so much more than that for me and it wasn't till recently that it bothered me so much. I really just wanted my birthday to go away.

Why you ask? Well there are a couple reasons...

1. Call it the pessimist in me, but it just felt like another  year of misery gone by and another to start. Yeah, I'm getting better some, but hope doesn't just miraculously appear after its been gone so long. I feel like there isn't a reason to celebrate that at all.

2. Beth, my therapist, told me last week that my birthday was a gift so it deserved to be celebrated because its important. My response to her was that I have already tried to get rid of that gift several times. Image a gift that you get, you try to give it back but the person who gave it to you wont take it back, so you try again and again with no luck, you're stuck with it. Would YOU be happy about being stuck with that gift? Would you just change your mind and decide you liked it? Of course some of you would, but, point being, most would not.

3. It was a year ago that everything started getting worse for me. After nine months of being clean, I started cutting myself again. Honestly, I spent 48 hours straight in my room, while my roommate was away, and I cut myself over and over. 40 cuts. I am not proud of that, but I cant erase it now. Its just the memory that makes my birthday not feel so great to celebrate.

I thank all who wished me a happy birthday, I do appreciate all of you who are in my life. maybe next year when you wish me a happy birthday it will actually feel happy to me.

Coping Skills: Art

A picture is a poem without words - Horace

An artist is a dreamer consenting to dream of the actual world - George Santayana

It is pretty well known that art is a good tool for coping, thats why many therapists, as well as the psych ward, use art therapy and art groups to help patients overcome mental illnesss. Art is an amazing tool, its an expression of words that you otherwise cant get out. It doesnt even matter if you are a good artist, as long as you can get it down on paper or in a photograph. When youre brain is so jumbled that you barely know up from down, thats when drawing a picture gets things out and helps clear up you head a bit.

I have been struggling with this post and delaying it for weeks for two reasons. First, I myself dislike my art and I knew that I would have to let you all see some of my pictures. Also, my sketchbooks are completely like my diary. Would you want someone reading your diary? Yeah, me either, but for the occassion I will let you guys in a little bit. I think art is the coping skill that has gotten me through the most, but I am really hard on myself, thats why I always dislike the outcome.

I have always drawn when I was at my complete lowest, that is when all my thoughts are crazy and I need to get them out or I would go mad. Sometimes drawing, or any other art project that I had to do in Studio Art last year, would actually prevent me from cutting myself, but that was a rare occassion. Nonetheless, I it has at least helped me sort out many thoughts and kept me going one more day.

I am crazy hard on myself, crazy, so I love critiques from others, I like to know what people see or think of my art. So here you can see several of my drawings, let me know what you think, even if it is negative. If you are interested in seeing more you may get lucky and I may show you more, just ask. 

SIAD

March first each year is Self Injury Awareness Day. For those of you who dont know, people write love on their arms to show support to those who self harm, a way to show that they arent alone in the fight and that there are people out there that love them and care about them.

I think the concept of this day is pretty amazing, so many people write love on their arms for SIAD and its awesome to just see how many people are there for those struggling, showing love so obviously.

This year, for me, it was the first time that it even mattered. Previous years I was hiding everything that was going on so it wasnt a huge deal, but this year was different. There were a lot of people in my life who wrote love for me. That week was really hard for me, the fight to not turn to a blade was rough, but SIAD was a little reminder that I am not alone, I have all you guys out there that love me and are rooting for me. Sometimes thats the hardest thing to remember. So any of you who wrote love, I just say thank you, from me and all the self harmers who feel like no one cares.

Thanks Dawn

Thanks Aunt Deb

Thanks Becky <3

Thanks Angeleah (my arm)

Thanks Shawna, Rachel, and Ashley

Thanks Angeleah

Thanks Angeleah

 Me

 Me

 Thanks Hall Girls