Birthday Thoughts

The day that most look forward to all year long, the day to celebrate your birth and get gifts, your birthday. Birthdays aren't all that they are cracked up to be, ill tell you that, but nonetheless its so important to so many people. Is it selfishness or genuine joy of being alive another year that makes your birthday so important? Think about that.

The reason that I bring this up is because yesterday, march 19th, was my birthday. This year was a hard birthday to celebrate so instead I told everyone in my life not to celebrate or even bother calling my birthday, it was just Monday, that's all. It isn't as though I am ungrateful for the gifts or the birthday wishes, its so much more than that for me and it wasn't till recently that it bothered me so much. I really just wanted my birthday to go away.

Why you ask? Well there are a couple reasons...

1. Call it the pessimist in me, but it just felt like another  year of misery gone by and another to start. Yeah, I'm getting better some, but hope doesn't just miraculously appear after its been gone so long. I feel like there isn't a reason to celebrate that at all.

2. Beth, my therapist, told me last week that my birthday was a gift so it deserved to be celebrated because its important. My response to her was that I have already tried to get rid of that gift several times. Image a gift that you get, you try to give it back but the person who gave it to you wont take it back, so you try again and again with no luck, you're stuck with it. Would YOU be happy about being stuck with that gift? Would you just change your mind and decide you liked it? Of course some of you would, but, point being, most would not.

3. It was a year ago that everything started getting worse for me. After nine months of being clean, I started cutting myself again. Honestly, I spent 48 hours straight in my room, while my roommate was away, and I cut myself over and over. 40 cuts. I am not proud of that, but I cant erase it now. Its just the memory that makes my birthday not feel so great to celebrate.

I thank all who wished me a happy birthday, I do appreciate all of you who are in my life. maybe next year when you wish me a happy birthday it will actually feel happy to me.