Do you consider yourself "addicted"? Why or why not.
I am sad to say that, yes, I would say I am addicted. Its actually pretty hard to admit that what I am doing to myself is an addiction, but it would be dumb of me to even bother to deny that it is. I say that I am because, well really because I cant stop. I mean, I can stop, but it takes a lot of work. My mind is focused on it almost one hundred percent of the time and when I do it I sometimes am already planning the next time I get to sit down and dig the dull blade into my skin. Just as with drugs or alcohol, people want to pretend that it isnt a big deal, that they can stop whenever they want, well, I am hear to tell you that that is bull shit. Any addiction, you cant just stop. It takes getting help, fighting hard, and getting yourself used to a new way of living. So, yes, I say I am/was addicted to cutting myself.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Day 3
What is your motivation to recover?
Sometimes I am just so unclear as to why I want to quit. Why would I want to stop something that I love so much?! It doesn't really seem worth it, but I convince myself it is. I need to quit for the people around me, everyone who loves me, who may be effected by my choices. A part of me just wants people to be proud of me, which sounds silly, but it's worth it to know that all the hard work is...I don't know, appreciated. If it's important to others it should be to me as well. Then there is this other part that's all about me. I guess deep down I want the satisfaction of fighting and overcoming something so difficult and scary. It's like, if I can do this then I can do anything. I need to prove to myself that I do, indeed, have as much strength as everyone thinks.
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Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Day 2
What part of your body is most affected by it?
Well, you see, I am willing to share most anything, but for some reason I have never been able to share that simple fact. I find that it can be mine, my secret, if no one knows where the cuts and scars are. It makes me feel in control of at least one thing. I will tell you that there isn't a central point, some places have way more than others, but they're in a lot of places of my body.
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Tuesday, November 27, 2012
30 Day Challenge
I was wandering the inter-web and I found a thirty day challenge that fit this blog well. Its called the 30 day self injury challenge. Yeah, that sounds a bit twisted, but really its all about my experience with self harm. I've spoken about a lot of this stuff already, but I hope to go into more detail for you guys.
Day 1
-How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.
Well, lets see, I have self harmed for four years and three months, roughly, off and on, mostly on. I have talked about why I started hurting myself, but I started because of depression and the expectations people had of me. That wasn't all, but most of it. I wouldn't really say there is one specific reason, though. I started harming myself by punching brick walls as hard as I could. My goal was to shatter my hand. That wasn't a big deal, I didn't really expect to do anything more than that, but one day it just manifested into cutting. The punching wasn't enough and I deserved worse. I wasn't enough for anyone, a disappointment. I felt like I needed more pain to feel, to escape.
Day 1
-How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.
Well, lets see, I have self harmed for four years and three months, roughly, off and on, mostly on. I have talked about why I started hurting myself, but I started because of depression and the expectations people had of me. That wasn't all, but most of it. I wouldn't really say there is one specific reason, though. I started harming myself by punching brick walls as hard as I could. My goal was to shatter my hand. That wasn't a big deal, I didn't really expect to do anything more than that, but one day it just manifested into cutting. The punching wasn't enough and I deserved worse. I wasn't enough for anyone, a disappointment. I felt like I needed more pain to feel, to escape.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
What Thought
So, here's whats up...
I am no longer working twelve hour days, I strictly work with Evan everyday. Having the break is so nice, not feeling so completely rushed all day everyday.
My mind has been wrong. That's all there is to explain it, I just cant think,speak,focus. It is driving me nuts and above all I feel so irritated and defeated. My psychiatrist changed my meds a bit to see if that would help, being on higher doses can do that, and thus far it hasn't worked very well. Still not all here.
I stopped cutting. Then cut again. I had made it almost three months and for weeks all I could think of was cutting again. I would wait and have a feeling of waiting to do it again when really I had planned not to. One day I finally just gave in to that nagging feeling. I only cut that one time, though, and it has been a month since. Obviously it is a big sense of hopelessness, you wanting something so bad, but you just cant do it. Its so hard.
Going into the stores is hard for me. The blades around me, that you can simply buy (or steal), are hard to put out of my mind. Its especially difficult when I need to buy a razor (the shaving kind). I tend to go straight toward the double edged blades, I never get them, but my anxiety makes saying no not so easy. I often wonder what its like not feeling that way in a store, being able to walk past blades without wanting them to carve into your skin.
Thanksgiving is coming up. I'm struggling with the thought that my grandma wont be there this year.
I had hoped that the thoughts were gone. They have been more often lately in recent weeks. I just feel too tired and hopeless to keep going. Some days that just seems so much more easy, good thing I have never been one to choose the easy way. Whether I like it or not, however, I cant quite get the thoughts out.
I'm not sleeping. Two separate sleeping meds haven't worked and so he took me off all of them. I haven't gotten any better or worse, just the same old shitty. I'm too tired to function correctly, the same old story as before. Maybe that's part of my problem.
I haven't been blogging. Obviously. I tend to feel like a broke record. I cut. I didn't I cut again. I'm broken. This That. It seems to always be the same and I don't feel as though putting you readers through that is fair.
I'm isolated. The world around me is going so fast and I'm in this bubble that's standing still. I cant seem to be outside that bubble.
I want to draw. To paint even, but I cant seem to figure out the pictures in my head, nothing feels quite right. When I just start going it turns into a ball of paper in the trash.
The journey, so people call it, is windy. Curves and bumps and hills and holes and everything else. We have all got a different journey to get through and, for me, its better to share it with people. I keep this blog going for a few reasons, but mainly I just think its so unspoken of and I want to show the struggles, the feelings (im not good with), the path it takes to heal. So, those of you still reading along, thank you. Thanks for traveling this crazy journey with me.
I am no longer working twelve hour days, I strictly work with Evan everyday. Having the break is so nice, not feeling so completely rushed all day everyday.
My mind has been wrong. That's all there is to explain it, I just cant think,speak,focus. It is driving me nuts and above all I feel so irritated and defeated. My psychiatrist changed my meds a bit to see if that would help, being on higher doses can do that, and thus far it hasn't worked very well. Still not all here.
I stopped cutting. Then cut again. I had made it almost three months and for weeks all I could think of was cutting again. I would wait and have a feeling of waiting to do it again when really I had planned not to. One day I finally just gave in to that nagging feeling. I only cut that one time, though, and it has been a month since. Obviously it is a big sense of hopelessness, you wanting something so bad, but you just cant do it. Its so hard.
Going into the stores is hard for me. The blades around me, that you can simply buy (or steal), are hard to put out of my mind. Its especially difficult when I need to buy a razor (the shaving kind). I tend to go straight toward the double edged blades, I never get them, but my anxiety makes saying no not so easy. I often wonder what its like not feeling that way in a store, being able to walk past blades without wanting them to carve into your skin.
Thanksgiving is coming up. I'm struggling with the thought that my grandma wont be there this year.
I had hoped that the thoughts were gone. They have been more often lately in recent weeks. I just feel too tired and hopeless to keep going. Some days that just seems so much more easy, good thing I have never been one to choose the easy way. Whether I like it or not, however, I cant quite get the thoughts out.
I'm not sleeping. Two separate sleeping meds haven't worked and so he took me off all of them. I haven't gotten any better or worse, just the same old shitty. I'm too tired to function correctly, the same old story as before. Maybe that's part of my problem.
I haven't been blogging. Obviously. I tend to feel like a broke record. I cut. I didn't I cut again. I'm broken. This That. It seems to always be the same and I don't feel as though putting you readers through that is fair.
I'm isolated. The world around me is going so fast and I'm in this bubble that's standing still. I cant seem to be outside that bubble.
I want to draw. To paint even, but I cant seem to figure out the pictures in my head, nothing feels quite right. When I just start going it turns into a ball of paper in the trash.
The journey, so people call it, is windy. Curves and bumps and hills and holes and everything else. We have all got a different journey to get through and, for me, its better to share it with people. I keep this blog going for a few reasons, but mainly I just think its so unspoken of and I want to show the struggles, the feelings (im not good with), the path it takes to heal. So, those of you still reading along, thank you. Thanks for traveling this crazy journey with me.
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