What Thought

So, here's whats up...

I am no longer working twelve hour days, I strictly work with Evan everyday. Having the break is so nice, not feeling so completely rushed all day everyday.

My mind has been wrong. That's all there is to explain it, I just cant think,speak,focus. It is driving me nuts and above all I feel so irritated and defeated. My psychiatrist changed my meds a bit to see if that would help, being on higher doses can do that, and thus far it hasn't worked very well. Still not all here.

I stopped cutting. Then cut again. I had made it almost three months and for weeks all I could think of was cutting again. I would wait and have a feeling of waiting to do it again when really I had planned not to. One day I finally just gave in to that nagging feeling. I only cut that one time, though, and it has been a month since. Obviously it is a big sense of hopelessness, you wanting something so bad, but you just cant do it. Its so hard.

Going into the stores is hard for me. The blades around me, that you can simply buy (or steal), are hard to put out of my mind. Its especially difficult when I need to buy a razor (the shaving kind). I tend to go straight toward the double edged blades, I never get them, but my anxiety makes saying no not so easy. I often wonder what its like not feeling that way in a store, being able to walk past blades without wanting them to carve into your skin.

Thanksgiving is coming up. I'm struggling with the thought that my grandma wont be there this year.

I had hoped that the thoughts were gone. They have been more often lately in recent weeks. I just feel too tired and hopeless to keep going. Some days that just seems so much more easy, good thing I have never been one to choose the easy way. Whether I like it or not, however, I cant quite get the thoughts out.

I'm not sleeping. Two separate sleeping meds haven't worked and so he took me off all of them. I haven't gotten any better or worse, just the same old shitty. I'm too tired to function correctly, the same old story as before. Maybe that's part of my problem.

I haven't been blogging. Obviously. I tend to feel like a broke record. I cut. I didn't  I cut again. I'm broken. This That. It seems to always be the same and I don't feel as though putting you readers through that is fair.

I'm isolated. The world around me is going so fast and I'm in this bubble that's standing still. I cant seem to be outside that bubble.

I want to draw. To paint even, but I cant seem to figure out the pictures in my head, nothing feels quite right. When I just start going it turns into a ball of paper in the trash.

The journey, so people call it, is windy. Curves and bumps and hills and holes and everything else. We have all got a different journey to get through and, for me, its better to share it with people. I keep this blog going for a few reasons, but mainly I just think its so unspoken of and I want to show the struggles, the feelings (im not good with), the path it takes to heal. So, those of you still reading along, thank you. Thanks for traveling this crazy journey with me.