Recovered Thoughts

So, I have been swishing this thought around in my head for the last couple days. It's a simple question; what is recovery?

It seems easy to say you make it through, you make it, plain and simple.

Dictionary.com defines recovery as restoration or return to health from sickness.

Alcoholism.about.com says a voluntarily maintained lifestyle characterized by sobriety, personal health, and citizenship.

And as I read about what people classify as recovery I read this article; http://articles.latimes.com/2011/dec/22/news/la-heb-recovery-20111222  which shows what researchers have developed as a formula to classify recovery.

I read many other articles and studies to try to get to the bottom of this word everyone uses, and I really found that no one really knows.

People make up their definitions for the word and an equation isn't really a way to scale recovery, I don't think.

So, here's where I stand....clueless. what am I striving towards? I don't necessarily think I'll ever recover from self harm. It will always be there, it doesn't go away. Also, I don't understand recovering.

People who are recovering are obviously thriving to be recovered, but do they know when they get there? How do you know if you're recovered, just one day it hits you and BAM you're healed, you're recovered...

Some would say that I'm in recovery, but I don't know if I agree with that. I don't know where I'm heading to qualify as recovered. I know that recovery is bullshit when I sat there and gave in to the blade yesterday, so am I no longer in recovery even?

It's all just a blur and I don't know what addicts are working towards, the addiction never goes away, it just becomes easier for you to fight, but you could always give in and fall right back down.

So how do you recover?

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Day 29

Do you follow any self harm blogs?

I'm not really a blog follower, self harm or otherwise, so no. Unless you count mine, yeah I do, but I don't think that's what the people asking mean.

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Day 28

What short term goals do you have?

My goal is to figure shit out. I want to become an EMT so my goal is to take the courses necessary and start feeling like I have some kind of purpose. As for cutting, I'd like to quit, or make it a month I guess is the short term.

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Day 27

Discuss any and all progress you have made.

I have been trying not to focus on progress because I feel like I give myself too much expectation. Let me think, I have made it... Two months and five days. But who cares, really.

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Day 26

What is something that makes you the most happy?

I don't know about that word.... "happy"

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Day 25

Do you know any statistics about self harm?

I actually know a lot of stats and such about self harm. I made it a point to learn about it since, ya know, I was partaking. I know the little things like self harm effects over two million people, more women than men, and average age of 16 to 25. Anyways, I learned a lot from reading bright red scream, as mentioned in a earlier post, it's full of any fact or stat you'd care to know.

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Day 24

What are your main triggers? Why?

Triggers...Triggers.

As I was cutting the only "trigger" was my thoughts. My thoughts led to anxiety or anger led to me cutting myself.

When I am not cutting (now) the triggers are worse. I cant watch any movie with cutting in the tiniest bit, which sounds silly, but if you are trying to avoid it you really notice how many movies have it. Blood gets to me, but not too bad. Cuts on others or on myself (accidentally) are triggering. Even things like the results of rubber bands. Rubber bands is a game of uncle of sort, you take turns snapping each other with the rubber band til one stops. Yeah, neither of us are wienie enough to stop so our arms were rough afterwards. Seeing those lines on someones arms is hard for me. So not only cuts of others, but resembling "cuts".

Bipolar Scrambled Thoughts

Not sure how to unscramble. At the moment my mind is racing, not just like open road highway 90 no cops around, or you hope there aren't any, it's more like autobahn speeds.

I think about every imperfection. I ruin everything. I am pathetic and will go nowhere in life. I am broken. Like shattered into pieces then stomped on several times.

I think about the past. The past way I'd fix these thoughts. I automatically have evaluated how many blades are around me and just in case what I could use if I couldn't get to one. How I want just a tiny knick, that's all, not a full on slice, but a little release. A release like when you make a tiny hole in a blown up balloon, the air slowly comes out until it's mostly empty.

I think about dying. How it's an easy way out of everything and sometimes easy is just the best way to go. But then I think of you. I think of the people in my life. How hard it'd be for my family. But sometimes I have to think of myself. They'll all get over it, why do I need to suffer to save others feelings. I want to die. But I laugh at myself (internally, I'm not that crazy right now) because yeah, I want it, but right now it's just a thought. Right now I wouldn't kill myself, thought not action.

But wait maybe the only thing between the thought and the action is simply I have a plan, but haven't decided on the place specifically. I suppose that's important, being found once you're gone.

There's two of me.

There's two of pretty much all cutters, as well as other people, but its different for us. That one part that is (we'll say dark) and the other side that's good. It's a day to day battle. Not cutting is simply what side of me, good or dark, has control of my hands. Having a total meltdown on the side of the road when I broke my car and my dad needs to come save me and I miss picking up evan and....you get the idea. The darkness that tells me I ruin everything, it's all my fault (it being everything) is what tells me to start sobbing. It also tells my hands to start cutting because I deserve nothing but blood. If the good were in charge I'd have kept my composure in said hypothetical situation. That battle that cutters face every second of everyday is what makes the decision to let go and die so much easier than it should be.

I guess what I'm trying to get at here is...well, I'm not sure. Mostly just started writing and didn't have a Care where it led. So... Here was my bipolar scrambled brain.

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Day 23

What's your favorite inspirational quote?

Well, my quote is really a bible verse. I fell in "love" with psalm 34 a couple years back, I don't really remember why I was reading it, but the whole chapter is such a reminder that god is there no matter what. I pushed him away and all the same he stayed with me, that's a dificult thing for me to remember even now, but this verse, this one verse in the paLm 34, is one I don to when I'm lost and broken.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

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Day 22

Where do you feel the most calm?

You ask the person with an extreme anxiety disorder. I don't really ever feel calm, I don't know how to relax really, but the closest I come is when I am walking. Very late at night, the cold air giving me shivers, but bearable, the stillness of the world, feeling so uncrowded, like I only exist right there, right then and no one can ruin it. Even if they tried, i walk as fast as my legs allow. I guess I feel calmest in solitude.

Day 21

Have you stopped in the past? What is different this time?

I have definitely tried to stop in the past. During senior year of high school I had quit. I made it nine months, right til my birthday in college, and I gave in and started up again, that time worse than before. Cutting carried me all the way to the psych ward where, obviously, I had to quit. That lasted two months and I started again. Then made it nearly four months and gave in and now I am trying again. There isn't really anything I am doing differently this time, I don't feel as though there is any other way to stop cutting. You make the decision to stop, fight the awful, constant urges, and try your damnedest to just make it. I want to quit, however, between you and I, I don't know if quitting for good is really what I want. I think short term and quitting for good is just too far.

Day 20 (triggering)

What is the most vivid memory you have of self harm.

There are so many and I'm hesitant to even share one, but here we go...

It was while I was in great falls, there were many times there, but this time was different. I cut several times, but couldn't feel it, the release, anything at all. I felt crazy and I wanted it to stop. The cuts weren't enough. I tried deeper, blood dripping onto the bathroom tiles, and still nothing. It was never like that before, cutting always worked to calm me down so I went to the kitchen and grabbed a large kitchen knife I had hid from someone who was gonna hurt themselves days before. I grabbed it and headed straight to the extra room in my hallway, my face was blank, my skin was bloody, and my brain was racing. I was everywhere and nowhere at all. I wasn't planning to cut, I was planning to die. Locked away in a room where no one would find me til it was too late. I sent one last text and turned off my phone. I was scared, I needed someone, anyone, so I turned my phone back on. My best friend was freaking out and calling me over and over, I refused to answer conflicted as to what to do. I laid down on the bottom bunk that had no mattress and let the springs dig deep into my back. The knife was on my wrist and I was ready, it was time, I started to dig it in, but then my phone rang again. Something inside told me to just answer it, so I did. The phone up against my ear as I put the knife back into its rightful place. What happened next was nothing. Nothing happened and that's exactly what I needed. We stayed on the phone, knife down but still on the sharp springs, for two hours. Not one of us said a word the whole time, I just needed to not be alone. My tears started and I rolled onto the cold floor feeling so weak and defeated, but alive, barely. My mind had slowed and I knew I could make it through the night, but still I wanted to die. I didn't sleep that night.

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Day 19

List 5 reasons that recovery is worth it.

1. I don't want to be in this loop of self harming off and on.

2. I want my loved ones to be proud of what I've done, how far I've come.

3. My recovery is an example for others in the same situation.

4. I don't want sharp things to rule my life. Blades, you don't really notice much, are EVWRYWHERE and if there isn't a blade you think about all the things you can use to cut, things you can make into sharp things. You learn how to cut with about anything.

5. I don't want to feel ugly as I gain more scars on my body, even if I'm the only one to see them.

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Day 18

Write a letter to the future (recovered) you.

I've been avoiding this question. I just don't have a clue what I'd even say to myself, "way to go, you are 'recoveted', but you wouldnt have to recover if you weren't stupid to cut yourself in the first place." Or "well based on prior 'recoveries', this is only temporary so don't get too comfy" or "you 'recovered' but are still miserable. It wasn't the cutting, it was all of it. You still have a way out" or even "i still hate you 'recovered' or not".... As you can tell nothing positive comes to mind thinking of the future me,the present me, the broken me,the 'recovered' me. Id like to say I'm proud of you, you've come so far, you made it, but that all seems like what everyone else would say. If you haven't caught on thus far, let me fill you in on a secret... I have an extremely negative self image and that's what makes this hard. So, let me see, at least one semi positive thing to the future Sara......I can tell my future self that it was a good idea to talk about such a taboo subject because it has helped so many in their recovery. You've helped so many with your own "recovery".

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Holiday Thought

Where to start...

In general, I hate myself.
This season, I hate myself even more.

Once, years and years ago, I knew how to enjoy thing.
Holidays were great and birthdays felt important and joy filled the air at Christmas.

The smell of Christmas tree, the color of the lights on the houses sparkling against the dark of the night, the crispy grass winter causes in the morning, hanging up decorations, seeing all the gifts laying perfectly under the tree, watching the smiles on everyone faces as they get the perfect gift, wrapping gifts, baking cookies.

I really want to enjoy the holidays.
I really want it to be like it was years ago.

I am just so broken.
This year I have invested myself into a year of giving.
I have asked for nothing, I want nothing.
This year is for the people I love, not me.
I am thankful for the journey I have traveled over the years, thankful I have a wonderful family, thankful that, even though there are a lot of times I just want to yell 'fuck it' and slice my wrist that one last time, there are those times I am thankful to be alive. Thankful for those people who made sure that I stayed alive.

I guess that being alive is just what I want, even just for this holiday season.
I want my people to have an awesome holiday and I want to help that happen.

Don't forget the meaning of Christmas isn't to get gifts.
Don't forget to show your people how much you love them.
Don't forget that this could be someone you loves last. It could be your last.

Be grateful. to be alive.

Day 17

Do you know anyone else who injures themselves?

Everyone knows someone who harms, just because people don't tell everyone that they do doesn't mean that they don't  In my life, I really hadn't personally known (talked to about self harm) anyone until I was in college, except that one adult who had survived it and "mentored" me toward recovery kind of.I had met a friend in college who lived right near me and one day we just started talking. I found out she cut, she found out I cut, and we spent the remainder of the year being each others shoulder to lean on when we were struggling. It was nice having a person who actually understood the battle I was fighting and was going through the same. There was also a couple people I suspected had, but didn't really have any courage to talk about. In the last month of college I found out another friend had been in recovery, a week before school ended I found out that an RA dad harmed here and there in their life, obviously I knew all the people in the psych ward, and a friend that I went to school with, but didn't actually find out til I was back home and it was a year later when we started talking.

Knowing people who harm is a blessing and a curse. You can either help each others recovery or hinder it and it is a fine line. So if you do know anyone who harms be careful as to what you say to each other. Sometimes it is hard not to encourage how wonderful cutting is.

Day 16

What advice would you give to someone about self harm?

This one is plain and simple for me...don't do it. Don't even start because when you do you get hooked and it takes over your world. I have had many days when all I could think was that I would never wish this upon even my worst of enemies. It just isn't a way to live, it isn't a battle anyone should have to endure, so don't even start.

Day 15

Do you visit any websites about self harm? If so, what are they?

There aren't many positive self harm sites out there, but yes, I have visited some of them. I visited one regularly, recoveryourlife.com, for awhile. Sadly, I was there chatting to people, saving them, making sure these complete strangers were ok. I visited the site to help rather than to get help. I think that that made me going to the site kind of counterproductive and made me a bit of a hypocrite, but I needed to help someone because I wasn't ready to help myself.

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Day 14

Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery?

There is a person who has been a huge inspiration to me, but I don't know if its my place to announce that person and their story. I just look up to this person more than anything because they dealt with the same thing I am and after many many years recovered and has a wonderful life and beautiful family. She was the first adult I told my struggles to and was by my side whenever I needed it. I strive to end up just as she has, happy.

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Day 13

What is the biggest realization about self harm you’ve had?

The fact that it truly is an addiction was a big realization for me. Before it's you, you think it's this silly thing people do for attention or whatever reason and that it's just something simple to quit, but it's far from. Like any addiction it controls your life. But I also realizes how much the addiction affects the people who love you. To this day, that fact is dificult to really comprehend, but I've seen it, I've lived it. I've seen so many people in my life hurt by my actions and it kills me, it was never what I wanted. But I've been on the other side too so I know exactly how it feels to feel helpless to help someone in their struggle with self harm. It's just that you'd never expect that something like cutting could hurt so many people.

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Day 12

Where do you keep your ‘tools’?(Your room, in a box, disposed of them?)

I keep my "tools" (such a silly word to use, but I'll go along) in many many places. I made sure to have one hidden everywhere I went; from my bag to the car to books to my jewelery box to everywhere in between. However, speaking in the present, I have disposed of them all except one in my hope box from the psych ward. That one lone blade is kept as a reminder as to where I've been and where I want to be.

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Day 11

Strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?

I have cut myself pretty much anywhere and everywhere, but there is one place I will never forget. I'm ashamed of myself, but I lost it and cutting was the only thing I could do. Where was it?! A chapel. Let me explain before you may judge, when I was at school I'd go walk for hours on end, disappearing from the world, but one night it was real late and far too below zero for me to handle walking. I ended up in the balcony of the chapel on campus and was praying when my brain shorted and I was thrashing around, punching the brick wall, and finally just cut myself over and over right there. I finally fell to the ground, trembling and sobbing, and laid it all out there, shouting at God, so angry. So broken.

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Day 10

How do you feel about your scars?

My scars are my story, my reminder. There are days that I despise them because I feel so ugly and broken and ashamed, but for the most part they're a good reminder of how far I've come and what I have been through.

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Day 9

Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.

I have never taken a photo of my cuts. I don't understand why people do so, but for me, I wanted it a secret and when there are pictures it isn't really a secret only you know, it could be found.

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Day 8

What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?

I don't think I can recall any one thing someone has said to me, however I do remember by action. Words never meant a whole lot to me. "im here for you" "you can talk to me about anything" "ill talk to you till you feel safe""i won't let you die"... These things I heard, but they meant nothing until people followed through with their words. The people that stayed in my life helping me, that would talk to me on the phone for hours while I freak out, and those special people who were there when my life was over and not letting me go. So, answer being, nothing supportive was really said to me.

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Day 7

List 10 activities that help you calm down.

Here's where I stand, I think that if you need so many things then obviously they aren't working very well. Choose a couple things that for sure help and stick with it. So here are my top 5.

1 drawing my thoughts

2 painting. The paint between my fingers, all over my arms, creating shapes and feelings. Freeing.

3 writing

4 walking

5 curling up with my blanket

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Day 6

What part of it do you enjoy?

Well, it's all abou the release of the pain on the inside so I love that I can just cut myself and that rush of calm flows in, even if only for a little while. I like that its something I can control, everything's up to me; the instrument, the size of the cut, where, how deep. No one gets to be in charge, but me. But above all is the sigh of relief after I've watched the blood drip down my skin.

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Day 5

What part of self harm do you dislike the most?

I dislike the secret, which in turn leads to a fear. I hated knowing I had to hide certain parts of my body and be careful not to get touched where I had just cut. For those of you who dont know, that can tend to be quite painful. I didnt like that I was so scared that people would see the cuts, find out, and be grossed out or disgusted or whatever their reaction would be. I just had to keep everything a secret, and that can be pretty difficult when you are constantly hiding away cutting yourself, if you arent careful people start to ask questions and you feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.