Where to start...
In general, I hate myself.
This season, I hate myself even more.
Once, years and years ago, I knew how to enjoy thing.
Holidays were great and birthdays felt important and joy filled the air at Christmas.
The smell of Christmas tree, the color of the lights on the houses sparkling against the dark of the night, the crispy grass winter causes in the morning, hanging up decorations, seeing all the gifts laying perfectly under the tree, watching the smiles on everyone faces as they get the perfect gift, wrapping gifts, baking cookies.
I really want to enjoy the holidays.
I really want it to be like it was years ago.
I am just so broken.
This year I have invested myself into a year of giving.
I have asked for nothing, I want nothing.
This year is for the people I love, not me.
I am thankful for the journey I have traveled over the years, thankful I have a wonderful family, thankful that, even though there are a lot of times I just want to yell 'fuck it' and slice my wrist that one last time, there are those times I am thankful to be alive. Thankful for those people who made sure that I stayed alive.
I guess that being alive is just what I want, even just for this holiday season.
I want my people to have an awesome holiday and I want to help that happen.
Don't forget the meaning of Christmas isn't to get gifts.
Don't forget to show your people how much you love them.
Don't forget that this could be someone you loves last. It could be your last.
Be grateful. to be alive.
being alive is tricky... I like to find some obscure point or reason in my life and go full out on that.
ReplyDeleteI guess I don't really believe anything so I try to make up ways to have fun in a pointless world....
But maybe there is a point?
Who knows...