I Think its Time to Say Goodbye

Five years ago I was lost and broken. I had no hope and I loathed myself. I went through the motions of day to day life, I went to college, I did what I had to to seem normal all the while I was in the center of an epic battle. I was full of sorrow and anxiety and somewhere along the way found myself coping with it all in an "unhealthy" way. I started to be careless, I wanted someone to just say the right thing and save me from myself, from the pain. When that didn't happen I started to hurt myself 20+ times a day, I didn't care if I lived or died. Every day was the same, where can I escape to to cut or where can I do it so it wont be seen, for awhile there I didn't even care what I used as long as it was sharp. I'd lost myself. Five years ago today, though, I hit rock bottom, and I hit it hard. I couldn't do it, I couldn't face the pain any longer, the nauseating anxiety, I couldn't do it, I wasn't strong enough. I was ready to die. I ended up in the psych ward where they didn't fix everything, but they set me in the right direction. The first few days were tough, i felt like id let everyone down. My sister two states away calling me very much upset and my little brother having to visit me there on his birthday, and my parents almost completely clueless to what had been going on, angeleah who risked our entire friendship trying to save me. My head was full of negative racing thoughts, I had screwed up. It wasn't til then that I realized how many people I had in my army,how I wasn't just in the fight alone, and I had a second chance.


Fast forward five years to today. It has been quite the rollercoaster. I've pushed myself beyond what I thought were my limits, I've done things that make me extremely uncomfortable to become a better person and to not let my anxiety keep me down. I've met amazing people who all played a little part in my recovering even though they most likely don't even know it, I could never have lasted this long alone. I've been through two therapists, one psychiatrist, a ton of different meds, and a girlfriend who wont let me quit no matter how much I want to. Five years and pretty much every day is a battle still, but these days I win more often than not. I get urges, I've relapsed and quit again many times, it isn't all rainbows and sun shines, but it sure as hell isn't a huge black cloud threatening to swallow me whole anymore. I'm in a good spot; I have found a place that I feel like I belong and am doing what I love to do, helping people; and my story and my experiences make me relatable in ways that others aren't, I see things differently, i don't judge mental illness or addiction, i understand what people are going through, and i like that. I wouldn't have that if I hadn't had to fight my own battle.


All of this is why I am saying goodbye. This chapter of my life is closing. I started this blog so that others could read it and know that they aren't alone and so that people who didn't understand self harm could maybe learn something. I didn't think much would really come of it, but in the end a handful of people messaged me for help or to talk and that's awesome. I'm not disappearing forever, I will still get messages and comments people post,but I think its time for me to move forward.


Until the next blog I decide to start,
Sara Benson

I Think its Time for More than Baby Steps

It isn't fair, really, being a crazy and all..i never asked for this fate of mine, I didn't do anything to deserve this.




But I must live with it, whether I like it or not. I cant run, I cant hide from my demons, I cant let bipolar and self harm hold me back. I won't, and that's hard sometimes.




Its been almost five years since I was admitted to Fairfax. Five, long, tough, tiring years. I have come so far. Often times I have to remind myself of that. Remind myself how far I've come from rock bottom, how much I have overcome. I have proven myself.




I find it easy to start to feel shame and defeat, though. Shame in where I have been, shame in my desire, my need, to go to a blade to fix the mess in my head. Shame that that even exists in my life. Defeat because I should be so much farther in life. I should have graduated college, healthy, doing something great.




But who would I be then? If all I did was go to college and go the normal path.... I wouldn't have had to fight a battle that has made me stronger than ever, I wouldn't have been able to connect with so many people and be relatable to so many people who just need someone who understands the struggle, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the small things in life like I do now, I wouldn't appreciate the feeling of happiness, I wouldn't have hit rock bottom and been able to start anew.




Somewhere along the way, in the last year, I decided that baby steps weren't going to cut it for me anymore, I needed to make strides, to go all in and push myself farther than I ever had before. I had to allow myself to try new things and feel uncomfortable. I had to let people in and be a part of my story.


So this is where I am:
1. Volunteer EMT with a fire department.
2. Went through a whole new EMT class. It was hard. I survived it...top of the class.
3. I've opened up to the idea of training to become a firefighter.
4. I've allowed myself to make friends, be social...or at least a bit more social.
5. I have applied to ambulance companies and other EMT openings despite the fear and self doubt that has held me back for so long.


I haven't given up, even if alot of days are a fight to stay afloat. For right now, I plan to continue kicking ass as an EMT...or, you know, fumbling along feeling awesome because I get to ride in a fire engine.




I guess the moral of the story is that if you're bipolar, depressed, anxious, self harming, just plain old scared to move forward....that is ok. Let those things be part of you, let them exist, but don't let them take over and run your life. Your mental illness or addictions or fears, they don't define you, you can push through, be strong, and be something great.