**this post is a tad contradictory to the last, but hey, lifes a roller coaster, things never stay the same long**
We all know that old saying, 'two steps forward, one step back' or even (for those of you who fall under the category of cynical) 'one step forward, two steps back'.
For me, its one and a half years forward, one cut back.
Now, I could let the fact that I slipped up ruin me and throw me back into a tornado of self destruction (for dramatic affect of course), but I don't regret it at all.
I feel GOOD.
I realized, somewhere along the way, that it isn't all about how long you go without being a harm to yourself, but how much effort you put in to bettering yourself. As long as you're trying, I mean really trying, you're making good progress.
So yeah, one and a half years sounded good and people were proud cause it had been so long, but it didn't feel right. I didn't feel good about how long id gone, I wanted to turn back.
So I gave in, I got overwhelmed, I let my weakness overcome me, and I cut.
I went in to it knowing it was my last, knowing that I got one chance and then im done, knowing there was always a small possibility that id fall back into the same pattern as I always did.
But I didn't.
This was different because I knew, I knew that I just needed to have closure, to know it was over, but not just decide one day Willy nilly after id cut like I did before.
This was definite. Since this happened a couple months back, I have felt positive about my progress. Since then I've hardly had any urges. It crosses my mind every so often, but its harmless, just a memory. I went in knowing it was my last and I feel confident that it really was my last.
I'm feeling....strong.
