I Thought I Had Quit

**this post is a tad contradictory to the last, but hey, lifes a roller coaster, things never stay the same long**

We all know that old saying, 'two steps forward, one step back' or even (for those of you who fall under the category of cynical) 'one step forward, two steps back'.

 For me, its one and a half years forward, one cut back.

Now, I could let the fact that I slipped up ruin me and throw me back into a tornado of self destruction (for dramatic affect of course), but I don't regret it at all.

I feel GOOD.

I realized, somewhere along the way, that it isn't all about how long you go without being a harm to yourself, but how much effort you put in to bettering yourself. As long as you're trying, I mean really trying, you're making good progress.

So yeah, one and a half years sounded good and people were proud cause it had been so long, but it didn't feel right. I didn't feel good about how long id gone, I wanted to turn back.

So I gave in, I got overwhelmed, I let my weakness overcome me, and I cut.

I went in to it knowing it was my last, knowing that I got one chance and then im done, knowing there was always a small possibility that id fall back into the same pattern as I always did.

But I didn't.

This was different because I knew, I knew that I just needed to have closure, to know it was over, but not just decide one day Willy nilly after id cut like I did before.

This was definite. Since this happened a couple months back, I have felt positive about my progress. Since then I've hardly had any urges. It crosses my mind every so often, but its harmless, just a memory. I went in knowing it was my last and I feel confident that it really was my last.

 I'm feeling....strong.

One year towards the rest of my life

My one goal: make it a year. Yeah right, you're crazy, that'd never happen, impossible I said, crazy talk. But why not try?! I've got nothing to lose and, surprisingly, a lot to gain (which took me awhile to see).

When you're waiting for something to come or something to happen it seems like it takes decades. You just keep waiting for the end result, but it is just right out of your reach, it tortures you, it gawks at you. I felt like a year was an eternity, was I ready to give up my blade for an eternity? I wasn't confident in myself, I doubted my own strength (I still don't).....i was scared.

So, i  guess what it all boils down to is that my goal of making it one year really was me making it an eternity. What was I to do? Go a year and then PHEWW I made it, lets start again...i dont think that'd work. My goal was me really saying that I'm dedicated to my healing, I was ready to fight no matter what.

As of February 10,2014 I have successfully made it one year without turning to a blade, without taking the easy route. Its hard at times, really hard, but I am still going strong and don't plan on giving up.

My life has been changing a ton, not just completing my biggest goal, but I am in a program to become an EMT and if I pass the test at the end of the month I could be certified (crazy!!),and I've gotten a new therapist. Her name, just like the last one, is Beth so I just call her "new Beth". I think I like her, I just don't like talking about me still, and finally I moved out of my parents house.

I feel like things may be looking up and I am doing what I can to stay cut free and move forward in my life. I want to be able to look back and be proud of how far I've come.