My one goal: make it a year. Yeah right, you're crazy, that'd never happen, impossible I said, crazy talk. But why not try?! I've got nothing to lose and, surprisingly, a lot to gain (which took me awhile to see).
When you're waiting for something to come or something to happen it seems like it takes decades. You just keep waiting for the end result, but it is just right out of your reach, it tortures you, it gawks at you. I felt like a year was an eternity, was I ready to give up my blade for an eternity? I wasn't confident in myself, I doubted my own strength (I still don't).....i was scared.
So, i guess what it all boils down to is that my goal of making it one year really was me making it an eternity. What was I to do? Go a year and then PHEWW I made it, lets start again...i dont think that'd work. My goal was me really saying that I'm dedicated to my healing, I was ready to fight no matter what.
As of February 10,2014 I have successfully made it one year without turning to a blade, without taking the easy route. Its hard at times, really hard, but I am still going strong and don't plan on giving up.
My life has been changing a ton, not just completing my biggest goal, but I am in a program to become an EMT and if I pass the test at the end of the month I could be certified (crazy!!),and I've gotten a new therapist. Her name, just like the last one, is Beth so I just call her "new Beth". I think I like her, I just don't like talking about me still, and finally I moved out of my parents house.
I feel like things may be looking up and I am doing what I can to stay cut free and move forward in my life. I want to be able to look back and be proud of how far I've come.
Hi Sara. I rarely talk about "my TBI." I don't want to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm also an attorney, which makes me even more reticent. So I periodically search the internet for other survivors to see if they feel the same as I. Thanks for writing back. If you ever feel like talking to someone who "gets it," here's my email address: map263587@gmail.com. Take care. Michael
ReplyDeleteGood for you Sara, all the changes you have made in your life have been to better yourself and to take back your own life. You are and have always been a beautiful person and I am so very proud of you.
ReplyDeleteThe things you write here I'm sure are healing for you, but they are also inspiration for others that are suffering from many different things.
I recently had a friend who, for whatever reason, couldn't handle what his life had brought him and sadly he took his life. It was such a shock to hear about and breaks my heart. I'm so glad to know that you are such a strong person (even when you may not feel like it) and that you have made it a year.
Here's to many more years Sara... it's not going to be easy, but you have proven that you can do it and you are worth it!
So proud of you SBenz! Love to you!
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