My posts have been few and far between, I haven't had a whole lot to share. I have been working pretty much seven to six everyday and am pretty exhausted, I crash as soon as I get home, pretty much.
Thing are rough right now, different than they were before, but rough nonetheless. I kind of feel lost, I'm uncertain of whats real or not, makes me feel crazy.
I have scared myself, being to numb to care about anything, too numb to decide whats too much, where is a limit.
Its scary being scared of yourself, if that makes sense to any of you.
A man I work with, Juan, tells me everyday "look at the bright side", "forget about the outcome, enjoy the journey", "what makes you happy", "be happy because God has given us everything we need and will guide us", ok well like I have gone over before, I am a major pessimist, but I try and enjoy my journey.
To enjoy my journey I must look at the small things, big things seem impossible, so when there is something that actually makes me smile, it a little spark I hold on for a long time. Example, the moon. For some reason it makes me so happy, so sometimes I just make sure to take the time and look at something so trivial to the world.
Also, being with people I enjoy, thats a big one. There isnt a whole lot of people that actually make me happy, but the ones that do are wonderful.
I think that seeing those little things is so hard when your brain is only able to see the bad, but it only means you have to work harder to see them and when you do they are that much more amazing.
So remember, Just Enjoy the Journey.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
oh my love
Oh my love
You are so beautiful
Your teeth sparkle when you smile
Your fingers feel perfect as they glide across my skin.
Oh my love, youre like a siren calling to me
Im enticed by your beautiful song
One touch and I melt away
One kiss is never enough to satisfy
Oh my love, your kiss can never be compared
You leave the red stain of your lips forever on my ivory
skin
You make me feel alive
Like I have never been before
Oh my love, I hate to say
That our time is up, we must part ways
Its so hard to let go, but please don’t make me beg
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Lonely Thought
Since there are the very few of you who expressed that you wanted me to keep on, I decided that I will let this little charade go on a little longer. I imagine I will find something to say, tell you guys about my day to day stuff, old journal thoughts that show where I was at certain times.
So here I am, still going.
Something that has really been on my mind the last couple weeks as I started work and everything is the fact that this battle is so completely lonely. Of course I have supporters who want to help me through it, but its all so inside. There really isn't anything for people to do, I have to get past it myself, no one can do it for me.
Sometimes, I sure wish someone could just do it for me, but that's weak, getting through all of this will only make me stronger some day.
Its tough knowing that most everybody hasn't a clue what I am going through, this isn't something that can really be imagined, understood, sympathized, its something that is so foreign to nearly everyone.
I guess at some point I will actually be alright with the fact that no one really knows, but for now, while im in the middle of it all, I am ,honestly, frustrated.
And for those of you who are going through this kind of battle, I am along with you, we are physically together, well most of us, but as a collective group of people we are always together, fighting and supporting. There always is one person that kind of gets it, if you dont have that, come find me, you deserve that person.
So here I am, still going.
Something that has really been on my mind the last couple weeks as I started work and everything is the fact that this battle is so completely lonely. Of course I have supporters who want to help me through it, but its all so inside. There really isn't anything for people to do, I have to get past it myself, no one can do it for me.
Sometimes, I sure wish someone could just do it for me, but that's weak, getting through all of this will only make me stronger some day.
Its tough knowing that most everybody hasn't a clue what I am going through, this isn't something that can really be imagined, understood, sympathized, its something that is so foreign to nearly everyone.
I guess at some point I will actually be alright with the fact that no one really knows, but for now, while im in the middle of it all, I am ,honestly, frustrated.
And for those of you who are going through this kind of battle, I am along with you, we are physically together, well most of us, but as a collective group of people we are always together, fighting and supporting. There always is one person that kind of gets it, if you dont have that, come find me, you deserve that person.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
final thought?
Do I end this?
Is there even a point anymore?
I'm in a weird place, which I tend to go ti often these days, and I feel like I'm stuck. I don't feel like anything really matters at all.
So I start to think of this blog and where it is going. Is it doing anything for anyone at all? I've Saud before that one of my goals was to share my story and help others, but I just don't think I'm succeeding with that. I think that its pointless to share my pathetic little story when I know it doesn't matter.
I'm not sure where to go, stop? Keep it going? I'm going to need soñé feed back. Is this blog doing anything, honestly?
Maybe I'm just having a pity party, but I just feel so worn, beaten down, exhausted, maybe like I just can't get things right. I'm just confused about how I feel, I guess...
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Friday, April 13, 2012
Working Thoughts
Maybe I am spreading myself too thin...
Ok, I am definitely spreading myself too thin.
But, I have such a need to please people. Wondering what in the world I am talking about? Working!
All last summer I worked at avis budget group, basically stripping and plating cars for rental. I worked there until I ended up in the hospital. My boss, Scott, said that I could have my job back this summer so when he called me I thought long and hard about what I was going to do. For months I have worked with Evan, monday through friday, I couldnt just leave him to go back to avis, he needs me, so I tried to make it work, working everywhere, not letting anyone down.
Here is the problem with avis, I use a razor blade all day, everyday. Maybe its unhealthy for me to jump into that right now, but I have to face it eventually, cant always hide, nonetheless, I was terrified. The thought of going back and having that temptation right in front of me everyday, right in my hand... I was scared, AM scared. Avis was my main source of blades last year and it was so easy to get my hands on them, stealing at least one a week.
So, after much consideration, I decide to take the job AND stay with Evan. I am working almost full time at Avis and leave there to go straight to get Evan, no break. That along with the things I do in the evenings each week....I am already exhausted. I try not to let myself stress over that though, because the anxiety it causes...well was a very large contributor in me going to the psych ward last year.
As for the blade I work with, I honestly havent had a problem yet, I view it merely as a tool. The ones laying on the ground that people drop when they change their blade, those are a bit more dificult to walk away from, but not a big deal still. To prevent myself from cutting, I have a locker and I leave the blade there everyday. I refuse to take it home. Once its out of sight its out of mind, well mostly. I think giving myself those rules, or boundaries, is helping me not feel so overwhelmed with temptation to use my blade on myself.
Im not going to say that working is going to be easy, but I will tell you that I think it is going to be a good test. A test of my strength, my self control, my ability to follow my own self help rituals. Its scary having to deal with this in a simple workplace where it is no big deal to everyone else, but I think I will make it. I will. I will make it, God willing.
If I make it through working at Avis all summer, I think that will be the first time I will be a little proud of myself, maybe help me feel hopeful.
Ok, I am definitely spreading myself too thin.
But, I have such a need to please people. Wondering what in the world I am talking about? Working!
All last summer I worked at avis budget group, basically stripping and plating cars for rental. I worked there until I ended up in the hospital. My boss, Scott, said that I could have my job back this summer so when he called me I thought long and hard about what I was going to do. For months I have worked with Evan, monday through friday, I couldnt just leave him to go back to avis, he needs me, so I tried to make it work, working everywhere, not letting anyone down.
Here is the problem with avis, I use a razor blade all day, everyday. Maybe its unhealthy for me to jump into that right now, but I have to face it eventually, cant always hide, nonetheless, I was terrified. The thought of going back and having that temptation right in front of me everyday, right in my hand... I was scared, AM scared. Avis was my main source of blades last year and it was so easy to get my hands on them, stealing at least one a week.
So, after much consideration, I decide to take the job AND stay with Evan. I am working almost full time at Avis and leave there to go straight to get Evan, no break. That along with the things I do in the evenings each week....I am already exhausted. I try not to let myself stress over that though, because the anxiety it causes...well was a very large contributor in me going to the psych ward last year.
As for the blade I work with, I honestly havent had a problem yet, I view it merely as a tool. The ones laying on the ground that people drop when they change their blade, those are a bit more dificult to walk away from, but not a big deal still. To prevent myself from cutting, I have a locker and I leave the blade there everyday. I refuse to take it home. Once its out of sight its out of mind, well mostly. I think giving myself those rules, or boundaries, is helping me not feel so overwhelmed with temptation to use my blade on myself.
Im not going to say that working is going to be easy, but I will tell you that I think it is going to be a good test. A test of my strength, my self control, my ability to follow my own self help rituals. Its scary having to deal with this in a simple workplace where it is no big deal to everyone else, but I think I will make it. I will. I will make it, God willing.
If I make it through working at Avis all summer, I think that will be the first time I will be a little proud of myself, maybe help me feel hopeful.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Failing Thoughts
You guys reading this are simply along for the ride, part of my journey, so as hard as this one is, I will fill you on where I have been. It was four and a half months clean, I thought for sure that I could do it this time, I was done for good, well I guess I was wrong.
I started cutting myself again, nothing major, but a small cut here and there. I hadn't felt myself, I was stuck in this place where I was pushing the world away and isolating myself because I just simply wasn't me, that's as far as I can explain it. Anyway, when I get to that point things start to spiral, I had to save myself. It isn't something most people do to save themselves, but I did, I went to a blade, didn't even have to think, my body did it for me. I felt a pure sigh of relief. That feeling I had missed so much, it pulled me back together, I was me again.
When it isn't something you really think about its hard to admit that you had done it, I mean obviously there's cuts on my skin, but it feels so unreal after its all said and done. I figured "oh it was one time, its OK, it was enough", well it was enough for that moment, but days later when I started to feel stuck again I needed more and I knew I could just do it because I just had those days before, it wasn't like I was really fighting anymore so it was OK. I could start up again and hide it from everyone and it would be OK.
I ended up telling on myself, lame I know, and am back at day one. I have to start somewhere and as long as I am willing to do so I will consider it an improvement. One hour at a time.
I started cutting myself again, nothing major, but a small cut here and there. I hadn't felt myself, I was stuck in this place where I was pushing the world away and isolating myself because I just simply wasn't me, that's as far as I can explain it. Anyway, when I get to that point things start to spiral, I had to save myself. It isn't something most people do to save themselves, but I did, I went to a blade, didn't even have to think, my body did it for me. I felt a pure sigh of relief. That feeling I had missed so much, it pulled me back together, I was me again.
When it isn't something you really think about its hard to admit that you had done it, I mean obviously there's cuts on my skin, but it feels so unreal after its all said and done. I figured "oh it was one time, its OK, it was enough", well it was enough for that moment, but days later when I started to feel stuck again I needed more and I knew I could just do it because I just had those days before, it wasn't like I was really fighting anymore so it was OK. I could start up again and hide it from everyone and it would be OK.
I ended up telling on myself, lame I know, and am back at day one. I have to start somewhere and as long as I am willing to do so I will consider it an improvement. One hour at a time.
Beckys Thought
"OK, here goes....I'm sometimes afraid of talking to someone who is emotionally in a difficult spot for fear that I might say something that will send them over the edge. Sometimes I find it hard to be honest about my own hurts and fears and frustrations, because they seem minor compared with what you are going through. And I just want you healthy and better....I can't help it.
Becky"
Becky"
I'm addressing this comment by Becky because she brings up a good point, even I sometimes feel as though someone Else's struggles are more significant than mine so I should just stay quiet. Truth of the matter is that no ones problems are more than anyone Else's, you cant really compare struggles in that way because every human being struggles differently, they feel it differently. In all, I would say to not be afraid to talk to someone who is going through some major struggles. Its most likely that the person would prefer to hear your problems so they don't have to focus on their own for a bit. It gets rough talking about your own struggles all the time and feeling like you're under a magnifying glass, just saying. You cant make anyone better, but you sure can walk along with them so they don't ever have to feel alone.
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