Working Thoughts

Maybe I am spreading myself too thin...

Ok, I am definitely spreading myself too thin.

But, I have such a need to please people. Wondering what in the world I am talking about? Working!

All last summer I worked at avis budget group, basically stripping and plating cars for rental. I worked there until I ended up in the hospital. My boss, Scott, said that I could have my job back this summer so when he called me I thought long and hard about what I was going to do. For months I have worked with Evan, monday through friday, I couldnt just leave him to go back to avis, he needs me, so I tried to make it work, working everywhere, not letting anyone down.

Here is the problem with avis, I use a razor blade all day, everyday. Maybe its unhealthy for me to jump into that right now, but I have to face it eventually, cant always hide, nonetheless, I was terrified. The thought of going back and having that temptation right in front of me everyday, right in my hand... I was scared, AM scared. Avis was my main source of blades last year and it was so easy to get my hands on them, stealing at least one a week.

So, after much consideration, I decide to take the job AND stay with Evan. I am working almost full time at Avis and leave there to go straight to get Evan, no break. That along with the things I do in the evenings each week....I am already exhausted. I try not to let myself stress over that though, because the anxiety it causes...well was a very large contributor in me going to the psych ward last year.

As for the blade I work with, I honestly havent had a problem yet, I view it merely as a tool. The ones laying on the ground that people drop when they change their blade, those are a bit more dificult to walk away from, but not a big deal still. To prevent myself from cutting, I have a locker and I leave the blade there everyday. I refuse to take it home. Once its out of sight its out of mind, well mostly. I think giving myself those rules, or boundaries, is helping me not feel so overwhelmed with temptation to use my blade on myself.

Im not going to say that working is going to be easy, but I will tell you that I think it is going to be a good test. A test of my strength, my self control, my ability to follow my own self help rituals. Its scary having to deal with this in a simple workplace where it is no big deal to everyone else, but I think I will make it. I will. I will make it, God willing.

If I make it through working at Avis all summer, I think that will be the first time I will be a little proud of myself, maybe help me feel hopeful.