Failing Thoughts

You guys reading this are simply along for the ride, part of my journey, so as hard as this one is, I will fill you on where I have been. It was four and a half months clean, I thought for sure that I could do it this time, I was done for good, well I guess I was wrong.

I started cutting myself again, nothing major, but a small cut here and there. I hadn't felt myself, I was stuck in this place where I was pushing the world away and isolating myself because I just simply wasn't me, that's as far as I can explain it. Anyway, when I get to that point things start to spiral, I had to save myself. It isn't something most people do to save themselves, but I did, I went to a blade, didn't even have to think, my body did it for me. I felt a pure sigh of relief. That feeling I had missed so much, it pulled me back together, I was me again.

When it isn't something you really think about its hard to admit that you had done it, I mean obviously there's cuts on my skin, but it feels so unreal after its all said and done. I figured "oh it was one time, its OK, it was enough", well it was enough for that moment, but days later when I started to feel stuck again I needed more and I knew I could just do it because I just had those days before, it wasn't like I was really fighting anymore so it was OK. I could start up again and hide it from everyone and it would be OK.

I ended up telling on myself, lame I know, and am back at day one. I have to start somewhere and as long as I am willing to do so I will consider it an improvement. One hour at a time.