One Thought

July 17, 2012

One.

One year.

Since I should have been dead.

Would I be a thought in someones mind?

Would people forget me in a mere year?

Would I be someone somebody missed?

There are a lot of what ifs, but none matter because I am alive.

I am not really sure what to write about on this subject.

I feel mixed feelings about today and what it stands for.

This "anniversary" isn't something I want to pass by, that I know for sure.

I feel as though going into Fairfax that day was the beginning of everything.

The beginning of getting better.

The beginning of courage to talk about everything that has happened.

The beginning of my life. As odd as that sounds.

I cannot say that a year later I am feeling peachy keen, but better than I was, yeah.

I also cannot say that I haven't had the thought of killing myself in my head since then.

That would be an obvious lie since I have been in the hospital since then.

I cannot say that I have hope, or faith, or even happiness, but I am able to feel a sense of simple ok now and again.

I cannot tell you that things will be ok. Not to worry. 

I cannot tell you that I have stopped self harming for good.

I cannot tell you that I trust my meds.

I cannot tell you that I am glad to be alive.

I cannot tell you that I don't hate myself or that I find any beauty in who I am.

I cannot tell you that I have found some miraculous purpose in life now that I have been through all that I have.

I can tell you that my story isn't over, nor will it ever be.

I can tell you that I hold on real tight on those difficult days and try to at least feel ok on the others.

I can tell you that I am trying to stop self harming for good.

I can tell you that I do feel as though I am heading in the right direction, slowly moving, but moving nonetheless.

I can tell you that each one of you reading this, and several other people, are the reasons I am alive. Not for me, but for those who love me.

I can tell you that this blog has been more beneficially than I could have ever hoped. And not just for others, me too.

I can tell you that I don't get any of this, why it happened, why to me, how to fix it, if it will ever be better.

I can tell you that I love to help others and my story is how I can relate with almost anyone.

I can tell you that although I hate it, I dont imagine my life any other way, the goods and bads.

I can tell you I have learned a lot about me.

I can tell you I have so much more to learn.

I can tell you I am alive.

I find this day important, if not to anybody, to me. I guess the day you choose your fate should be remembered. 

It was the start of an important chapter.

I cant get anywhere without remembering and welcoming the past as what it was.

My feelings are mixed.

Sobs.

Being glad no one has to just remember me as someone they once knew.

Knowing I still have a long road ahead of me.

Internal Thoughts

You're Stupid

 

You're pathetic

 

You're broken

 

You're beyond repair

You're Alone

No one cares

No one loves you

 

You're worthless

You're ugly

 

You're fat

 

You are never going anywhere

 

You will never be ok

 

You are hopeless

 

Youre weak

 

There's no point

Just give in. YOU DESERVE THIS

YOU DESERVE IT!

Everyone out there has thought at least one of these things about themselves, as wrong as they may be, we believe it. For some reason we choose to listen to the lies our own heads tell us instead of realizing that we are beautiful and strong and flawed all at once. It isnt all about the negatives you see in yourself, believe me I always listen to the negatives about myself, but about the beauty others see in you. Like they say, words can kill, and that goes for the own words that tear you apart inside, YOUR words.

For those of you out there who have dealt with self harm or are dealing with it, you probably hear all these things at once, swimming in your head, pounding the walls of your brain until there is nothing you can do but cut, relieve the words, relieve the thoughts, calm yourself.

I never see it in the moment, so I cant say a whole lot, but those words, they pass. If you hold on through them the pounding slows, you can at least get to a point where you feel stable enough to hang on that much longer, dont give in to them.

You never "deserve it". No one deserves the pain they feel or they put upon themselves. This is a rough thing to grasp, even for me, but there isnt really anything that qualifies as deserving to hurt yourself.

I guess what I am getting at is: "No one has the right to make you feel worthless not even you". Your words hurt you just as much as others words hurt. I need to work on this. Because I am broken and worthless and deserving and...you get it. Something must be changed within all of us. We are all guilty of negative self talk. Be self aware, Im trying to be.

 



Painted Thoughts

When my brain gets scrambled and I cant form words to explain whats inside I draw. Bad news, I lost my sketch book. Not quite sure how that happened, but it did and I was stranded with no out.

I was sitting on my bed when my brain just exploded and I literally shot off of my bed, I went straight to my paints.

Never in my life have I painted, because I am not so good at it, but I said "what the hell". It definitely wasnt going to kill me to try it out.

Discovered, however, that I cant use a paint brush, everything is fingerpainting. As weird as it may sound, I feel closer to the painting, as though its straight from me, my thoughts, my soul, and nothing can get in the way of that when I do it with my fingers, hands, or arms. I go into a whole different world.

As it turns out, its kind of fun to try new things to distract yourself with, things you dont think you would like could become one of your favorite things, no matter how poor the outcome is. So try something out of your comfort zone, chances are youll really enjoy it.

So I really would rather not explain the paintings, you can decipher those as you wish, but here you go, a link to my brain splatter.