One Thought

July 17, 2012

One.

One year.

Since I should have been dead.

Would I be a thought in someones mind?

Would people forget me in a mere year?

Would I be someone somebody missed?

There are a lot of what ifs, but none matter because I am alive.

I am not really sure what to write about on this subject.

I feel mixed feelings about today and what it stands for.

This "anniversary" isn't something I want to pass by, that I know for sure.

I feel as though going into Fairfax that day was the beginning of everything.

The beginning of getting better.

The beginning of courage to talk about everything that has happened.

The beginning of my life. As odd as that sounds.

I cannot say that a year later I am feeling peachy keen, but better than I was, yeah.

I also cannot say that I haven't had the thought of killing myself in my head since then.

That would be an obvious lie since I have been in the hospital since then.

I cannot say that I have hope, or faith, or even happiness, but I am able to feel a sense of simple ok now and again.

I cannot tell you that things will be ok. Not to worry. 

I cannot tell you that I have stopped self harming for good.

I cannot tell you that I trust my meds.

I cannot tell you that I am glad to be alive.

I cannot tell you that I don't hate myself or that I find any beauty in who I am.

I cannot tell you that I have found some miraculous purpose in life now that I have been through all that I have.

I can tell you that my story isn't over, nor will it ever be.

I can tell you that I hold on real tight on those difficult days and try to at least feel ok on the others.

I can tell you that I am trying to stop self harming for good.

I can tell you that I do feel as though I am heading in the right direction, slowly moving, but moving nonetheless.

I can tell you that each one of you reading this, and several other people, are the reasons I am alive. Not for me, but for those who love me.

I can tell you that this blog has been more beneficially than I could have ever hoped. And not just for others, me too.

I can tell you that I don't get any of this, why it happened, why to me, how to fix it, if it will ever be better.

I can tell you that I love to help others and my story is how I can relate with almost anyone.

I can tell you that although I hate it, I dont imagine my life any other way, the goods and bads.

I can tell you I have learned a lot about me.

I can tell you I have so much more to learn.

I can tell you I am alive.

I find this day important, if not to anybody, to me. I guess the day you choose your fate should be remembered. 

It was the start of an important chapter.

I cant get anywhere without remembering and welcoming the past as what it was.

My feelings are mixed.

Sobs.

Being glad no one has to just remember me as someone they once knew.

Knowing I still have a long road ahead of me.