It isn't fair, really, being a crazy and all..i never asked for this fate of mine, I didn't do anything to deserve this.
But I must live with it, whether I like it or not. I cant run, I cant hide from my demons, I cant let bipolar and self harm hold me back. I won't, and that's hard sometimes.
Its been almost five years since I was admitted to Fairfax. Five, long, tough, tiring years. I have come so far. Often times I have to remind myself of that. Remind myself how far I've come from rock bottom, how much I have overcome. I have proven myself.
I find it easy to start to feel shame and defeat, though. Shame in where I have been, shame in my desire, my need, to go to a blade to fix the mess in my head. Shame that that even exists in my life. Defeat because I should be so much farther in life. I should have graduated college, healthy, doing something great.
But who would I be then? If all I did was go to college and go the normal path.... I wouldn't have had to fight a battle that has made me stronger than ever, I wouldn't have been able to connect with so many people and be relatable to so many people who just need someone who understands the struggle, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the small things in life like I do now, I wouldn't appreciate the feeling of happiness, I wouldn't have hit rock bottom and been able to start anew.
Somewhere along the way, in the last year, I decided that baby steps weren't going to cut it for me anymore, I needed to make strides, to go all in and push myself farther than I ever had before. I had to allow myself to try new things and feel uncomfortable. I had to let people in and be a part of my story.
So this is where I am:
1. Volunteer EMT with a fire department.
2. Went through a whole new EMT class. It was hard. I survived it...top of the class.
3. I've opened up to the idea of training to become a firefighter.
4. I've allowed myself to make friends, be social...or at least a bit more social.
5. I have applied to ambulance companies and other EMT openings despite the fear and self doubt that has held me back for so long.
I haven't given up, even if alot of days are a fight to stay afloat. For right now, I plan to continue kicking ass as an EMT...or, you know, fumbling along feeling awesome because I get to ride in a fire engine.
I guess the moral of the story is that if you're bipolar, depressed, anxious, self harming, just plain old scared to move forward....that is ok. Let those things be part of you, let them exist, but don't let them take over and run your life. Your mental illness or addictions or fears, they don't define you, you can push through, be strong, and be something great.
