To Marvel Again

Amongst pain and sorrow; happiness, beauty, and positivity just don't exist.

To be sucked into the darkness of self-loathing and self pity...its an impossible thing to escape. You scratch the walls, try to grab a hold of something, to give you hope for survival, but you just cant get a grip, everything slips away.

You see nothing but darkness, no light, no hope, no anything. All that being said, you don't have time to marvel.

Marveling was my thing.

The small things, the ones people passed up and didn't notice; I saw those things and I used to love to marvel at them.

I hadn't marveled in months and months and I didn't even realize it until I marveled the other day. One thing after the other, marveling came back to me.

• These beautiful falcons that have a nest at work. I watch them all day, the way they move is simply beautiful.

•    I walk outside my door and staring straight at me is the most beautiful double rainbow. We could see it clear from one end to the other and my whole family just stopped to stare. Only God can create something that gorgeous. Oddly, a simple rainbow gives me a small sense of hope.

•           Hippo! Oh man, this little lady.... I marvel at her silliness and her curiosity and her shear cuteness always. I spend a lot of time watching her tootle about.

•      The sun. The water. But mostly, the way that the sun hits the water. 

OK, so they're dumb things, but at least I am marveling again. It makes me feel better when I can at least see a tiny bit of light.

So, again, I urge you all to take a moment to marvel at something. There is so much to see, open your eyes.

Four Months of Thoughts

Tomorrow marks the fourth month that I haven't hurt myself.

As I thought about that on my hot drive home the other day, I came to the realization that this is the farthest I have gone without cutting since the nine months in 2010. Its kind of sad when i think of it that way, four months is hardly anything at all and yet its the longest I have gone, I cant help but feel a tad pathetic.

I would like to say that its getting easier to fight urges and get through each day, however, I cant really say that easy is the word I would use.

I have gotten smarter, more cautious.

I have rules and rituals and plans when it comes to razors and what I let myself be around.

Anyways, I am trying to keep positive about making it this far, but there's a weird feeling that I feel about it, something like I made it this far (to a goal) so now I can cut. Its confusing, I guess.

I'm keeping going, one day at a time.