Religious Thoughts

Religion is a touchy subject for some of you, so prepare yourselves. I find that many people in my life ask about my relationship with God through all that I have gone through, Im not really sure how to answer that question. I dont think that religion is necessarily a black and white thing.

Years ago, when I wasn't so crazy in the head, I was a christian, a followes of God, I was growing in my relationship with Jesus Christ, I even decided to get baptised, but things slowly changed. I would say the chnage was do to my experiences as well as being away to college.

It isn't abnormal for young adults who head off to college to stop attending church, that isnt what happened to me. I tried out some baptist churches in Great Falls, by the end of the year I was attending catholic mass every week, reading my bible regularly, attending a student led bible study and a religious club on campus, not to mention those rough nights when I ended up in the chapel crying, praying, even cutting , you win some you lose some. I was trying so hard to hold on to God, to stay faithful, to not be a broken mess.

Truth was, I was only going through the motions, God was slipping away, or I guess it was me that was. Where was he? Hes supposed to love me so much and always be there, but I felt like he let me down. Where was he when I was sitting at the bottom of the shower, blood all around me, while I locked myself in the bathroom finding my only relief in a blade, sobbing becuase I just wanted to stop,where was he when I had the biggerst knife in the kitchen, ready to finish it all, where was he when I was trying to break my hand repeatedly, where was he? Why did he let all of that happen to ME, how did I end up in that place? I felt like there was no hope left, God did nothing for me, he was GONE.

Am I strong enough to handle all of this? No, and frankly, I think that that is bull shit. I wasnt ready for all of this, I am weak, not strong enough.

1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

 

I guess that that leads to where I am now. Do I still feel as though God is gone, yeah, most of the time, but there are little ways I see that God is working. First, he gave me strength to write this blog, I prayed over that for a long while before I started it, also, God had to have been there at least for that tiny moment I decided to go along to the hospital, he was leading me along as well as the people involved in getting me the help I needed.

Now, I still go to church, small group, the whole sha-bang. I am still not necessarily happy with God, its hard to get rid of so much anger and to just be hopeful in someone who left you to suffer, but I am trying. I see him more in the little things. Plus, I have got to have God on my side if I am going to save the world.