*To reader: I am putting a disclaimer on this entry because of some major profanities. It was a very dark time in my head.
I've never tried this before, but I'm going to just write, no thinking, just writing:
anger.hate.death.sadness. fear. alone. completely alone. what do I want?what makes me this way?why do I bother?do I deserve this?I feel like I do. why do I hate myself?why does no one else? Hate.self hate.annoyance.frustration.lonely.maybe scared.I don't think I will ever be ok.Ever.Help! I'm calling for help.what do I do?how do people not feel this way?how did I get so broken?Broken.Extremely broken.No way to repair. Can I handle this? I'm strong.No i'm not, lets be real, I'm weak.always.always been weak.Hurt.No trust.For me. For anyone.bound to be alone.forever.anger.mostly anger.alone.How does it feel?palms sweaty.heart pounding.body weak.Give up.just give up. Is there a point?to holding on?Why?Why do I?Fuck!Fuck!Fuck!Fuck! Help me.body so weak.medicine. Never going to do anything.started tonight.one white pill.sleep.just a bit of sleep. that's all. How do I fix this?How do I become ok?Will I?Ever?No hope.hopeless.broken.in pain.want to die.not kill myself, just die. hand moving.fast.scribbling thoughts.no sense. Is it helping?want to cry.tears tears tears. WEAK. Don't cry.you cant.crying is weak.just cut.give in to it. Let it take over.Why don't I?What stops me?I just don't know.nothing.I know nothing.Save me.....from Myself.
pain, pain, endless, fathomless pain. wishing i could erase it for you, carry it for you. groaning a prayer...
ReplyDeletebp
"Bear one another's burdens." Sara for the next day or so, I'm bearing your burden for you. Your fear is on me. Your sadness is on me. If I'm bearing it, you can't. We can't both bar it at the same time. So if I'm bearing it, you must not be.
ReplyDeleteSounds wacky, I know. But think of it as a bargain on a spiritual plane.
Peace to you.
Uncle Tom