The Final Goodbye

I walked in with that old somber feeling, the one that makes me feel like the world is ending, I knew what I was walking into and I just wanted to hold off. Crying is for weak people, I cant cry. I had to stay strong, not let anyone see those glistening tears that threatened to spill over the edge. I took a deep breathe and turned the handle, walking into the cool house like I did every other day.

He wasn't there. Something was wrong. My replacement (she doesn't get a name) filled me in on the delicate situation, you see, autistic kids cant take change. I walked into the yard where Evan was with his grandparents and he was sobbing. My heart shattered to pieces, the feelings that I was feeling inside, he felt it too. He sobbed like I had never seen the poor boy cry before, he too hardly ever cries.

Of course I know how to fix things, but this new girl, she hasn't a clue. Yeah, she will learn, I hope. I calmed him down with a few chocolate cookies I picked up special for him on the way.

Once he was calmed down I spent my final three hours playing with him as if everything was normal, autistic or not we both knew it wasn't a normal day. My replacement fell asleep in the grass, yeah I have so much confidence in her watching him...not.

That last moment had come, his moms boyfriend had gotten there and I had to say my goodbye. With his head down, refusing to look in my direction, he waved me farewell.

I was weak, the whole ride home I sobbed. Tear after tear I couldn't get them to stop, I felt so stupid. I am going to see him again, I said I would babysit any night or weekend they needed, but its hard to say goodbye nonetheless.

Evan went from my everyday to hardly ever. As I write, i cry. I'm broken-hearted by the decision I had to make to take care of myself. I am weak.