Are You Talking To Me?

"...And please don't fight These hands that are holding you, My hands are holding you" - By your side, Tenth Avenue North

Id probably describe yesterday as completely awful, miserable, dark. I had trouble making it through the day without hurting myself, which is a hard feat considering I work with blades all day long.

Most of it was just that I didnt ever seem to have time alone or anything to get away and actually cut myself. I dont feel like I even cared, I felt so low, I didnt care about fighting or trying to stop myself in anyway, my head was set and I was going to do it.

When my mind gets like that, all scattered, its hard to focus or concentrate on anything else at all. I mean sure I can be at work and be doing many things at once and having conversations and still Im just not really there.

By the end of the night I was shot. I was ready to curl into my ball of defeat and sob. Instead, I ended up at church where I know there are people I trust and something inside of me told me to give up all the blades that I had in my possession, so I did. It was hard, very hard, and the second I let them go I wanted them right back, but with the help I was given and a self made goal I made it through the night, rough as it was, without hurting myself.

Which brings me to the quote above. I was driving to work this morning, around 6:30 am, still feeling the pain of yesterday, the defeat, the sadness, when for some out of the blue reason I turned the channel to a christian station. Now, I havent listened to the christian station in months and months because I feel like the lyrics are all about doing things great for you and hope and well, just not quite ready for that yet.

The first words were "And please don't fight These hands that are holding you, My hands are holding you".
I didnt know what to think of that, It was as though it was talking to me specifically, stop fighting me, I have got you. I guess it was just something that I needed to hear that very moment. I kept have the melody of that song stuck in my head as a little reminder all day and I think that it made this day a bit easier than the last.


I dont know if any of this makes sense, or even matters, but I just thought that, "hey, there is one of those small things that God does to show us hes there". Thought maybe some of you guys could be uplifted by that.


Anyways, tired and worn, I made it through yet another day.