Bear with me, folks. I am writing this post as a last ditch effort to make it through the night. I have already taken all my meds and I am a little bit high, groggy, drugged.
I will be honest and tell you that the amount of anxiety that is building up inside of me is completely unbearable.It starts so slow and you just know its coming, an explosion of blood and calmness and craziness altogether as one. Well that's what it feels like.
Thus, I want to grab the blade and use it. Maybe just one little cut....but wait that wasn't quite good enough, maybe four more....they aren't deep enough, maybe two deeper ones. It really just keeps going in circles, I am completely aware of that, but that doesn't mean I want it any less.
So I sit here, pondering the thought of getting up to get the blade, release the anxiety thats pent up deep inside of me. I want to, I dont, I do, I dont want to.
Ok so heres the deal, I am high on medication right now and just neded to write things down, sorry its confused. Just know, I am certain I am going to make it through this night without the help of the blade. Even if I have to just sit as a pent up ball of anxiety, waiting to fall asleep or go into crazy, I havent a clue what is going on land (kind of the same these days).
Goal: stay in bed, leaving all razor-type objects out of reach. Fall asleep and hope the feeling has died down enough when I wake up.
Love you readers out there, thanks for humoring my blog.
Not sure if it would be helpful, but if you want, text me "pray" and I'll know when you need it most. Wish I could carry some of your burden for you.
ReplyDeletebecky
Just back from Orlando. I really enjoyed your post about marveling at things. I marvel at the stars on a clear night. I marvel at a beautiful moon rise. I know we share that. More recently, I marveled at the dolphins at Discovery Cove in Orlando. What amazing, intelligent creatures. I also marvel at the diversity of human life. Sarah, you add to that diversity. I hope you made it through the night without cutting and I continue to pray for you daily and have faith in God's plan for you.
ReplyDeleteCD
I like Becky's idea above and if you are willing, you can text "pray" to me also and I will pray for you on the spot. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. Stay strong and know that there are so many out here who love you and are praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLori