Fly Away

Within all of us is a varying amount of space lint and star dust, the residue from our creation. Most are too busy to notice it, and it is stronger in some than others. It is strongest in those of us who fly and is responsible for an unconscious, subtle desire to slip into some wings and try for the elusive boundaries of our origin. ~K.O. Eckland, "Footprints On Clouds"

The sunniest day of the year, so far, of course I was at work, outside, hot and sweaty and possibly burning. But it isn't just sun, if you pay attention real close there is this wonderful, amazing breeze winding through the cars, rustling in the trees.

I walk towards the QTA, kind of a gas station/car wash at work. The QTA plays as a wind tunnel with even the slightest of breezes so as I got closer to it I lifted my arms, imagining flight. I probably looked ridiculous to any of the guys who could have seen me, but I wanted to fly away.

But why?! Why in the world would I want to fly, I hate heights and I am terrified of birds, none of that sounds fun to me. As I thought about it, it occurred to me that the reason I wanted to fly was to just get away, get away from myself.

I harvest a ton of self hatred and I am not entirely sure that's something I will ever get rid of, so as I "flew" across the lot like a little child, it was just me hoping, dreaming to fly away from me, just me, nothing else. To just lift right from my body. I don't like me, I hate me. Strong word, I know, but I guess its a step up from the self loathing that I used to hold on to.

It isn't a good feeling to hate yourself, it isn't a good feeling to feel like you're crawling in the skin of someone you absolutely hate, I don't want that, not for me or anybody else. But how do you fix it? Is it even fixable?

No, Im fairly certain once you hate someone its not something you bounce back from. Hopeless.

Dont let yourself get that far, focus on your positives, not the negatives. Everyone has an amazing beauty in them, if only I could have believed that about myself when I needed to most. Youre beautiful, dont worry, you dont actually have to believe it because I do.