Marvelous Thoughts

One thing I have missed about life, while I have been broken and depressed, is the ability to marvel. It sounds like such a ridiculous thing, however, years ago, when my head was clear, I marveled at everything. Being a very observant person it wasn't hard for me to see the tiniest of things, and those things are the ones worth marveling.

The reason that I bring this up is because for the first time in years, not only have I felt like I've had "good" days, but I have been able to marvel again. Oh, life is so beautiful if you can allow yourself to see it, Ive known that all along I just haven't been able to actually see it, like I had blinders on that only showed the bad, the ugly.

I don't know, if you cant tell, I have kind of been feeling ok. Obviously I wouldn't really say I'm feeling good, but at this time in my life, the fact that I feel ok at all is astonishing. In all honesty, I don't know how to feel this way anymore, I kind of am worried about feeling a way that is so foreign to me, its uncomfortable.

I feel silly being so cautious of being ok, it should be a good thing, I know that, but its so weird. I find myself going about my business and just wanting to sob, I feel good, but something inside me still wants to just sob, maybe its a good sob, maybe not, I don't know. I am working on all these feelings, they're so different, so not what I am used to, I don't even remember the last time I felt the least bit ok.

As for work and cutting and such, I have been exhausted beyond belief, stretching pretty thin still and I haven't cut  in two weeks or so, I decided I didn't want to keep track anymore. Im just trying to let myself live a little and being at work makes me feel like I am actually doing something, not just sitting around being miserable.

Anyways, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to sit down, look around, and let yourself marvel. Marvel at the way the grass sways in the breeze, the way the mountain looks, the way a little caterpillar moves along a branch, anything, just marvel, whatever you find beautiful. Give it a shot, it wont hurt anything.