Fear.

There arent many people who have been through all of this with me, from the very beginning, but one person that has is my best friend Angeleah Tena. When I decided to do this blog I knew I wanted to tell my story, but I also knew I wanted to get the perspective of people on the outside looking in, people who know me, who have seen all of the stuff I write about first hand. So I asked some people if theyd write an entry for me, on anything they wanted really, and Angeleah agreed.

July 17, 2011.

July 17.
Really, it began the day before.
My best friend and I decided to go to Seattle that day, just to bum around, visit Pike Place, eat some cheese curds... I had almost forgotten that I had plans that night to meet my mom for a show... Long story short, my mom was upset with me that night, and Sara felt like it was her fault. She was rather upset, but seemed fine when we said goodnight.

July 17.
Seemingly normal day. I get up, get dressed, not much going on. I have work at three. I'm texting Sara back and forth, nothing too serious. ...And yet, she still seems upset about the night before. I tell her it's really not a big deal, but it's her next response that changes my life.

She tells me it doesn't matter either way. "I'm done. I will always love you, but I can't do this anymore. I'm going to kill myself. Goodbye."

My heart drops, my mind races, I can't breathe. I have to stop her, I can't let this happen. But she's at work. Only a few miles away, but she might as well be across the country for all I can do. I have to be at work in an hour, she doesn't get off for another three hours. But I HAVE to do something. I try to just keep her talking. I know this isn't really something I'm equipped to handle alone. I call our youth pastor's wife, Megan. She counsels me that I have to realize that I ultimately don't have control over Sara's actions. ...It was an impossible idea to grasp.

July 17.
No words will EVER be adequate to describe what I was feeling. It was, without a doubt, the scariest day of my entire life. I've never quite been able to articulate those feelings, not even to Sara.

July 17.
I finally convince her to come meet me at work after she gets off. Megan plans to meet us there shortly afterward. I am so scared. Terrified actually. No matter what she agrees to, I have no guarantee that Sara will do what I ask. No matter how much I beg her not to leave me, plead, threaten, she could change her mind and I'd never see her again. It would be over.

I'm not sure I fully appreciated her before that day. She'd been with me through so much. Had stayed by my side through all the shit I had gone through in the last few years, been strong for me despite how much she was struggling. She was my confidante, my partner in crime, my best friend. I could not lose her.
...Well, you know the next part if you've read Sara's story of that day. That first night was the hardest for me. She had assured me she was not mad, but I couldn't help but question if I could've done something differently, something better...

Fast forward three weeks.
After Sara left Fairfax hospital, she gave me a letter she had written me during that time. The progress she felt she had made, her thoughts, the friends she had made. Those were a rough three weeks for me, only getting to visit her once, so I was glad to have a look into her experiences. There were two things that really stood out to me.
1. She assured me once and for all that she was not angry with me, never had been. She was just angry with the situation. It was a relief.
2. At the beginning, she said that one of her goals by the time she was released was to be able to thank me. . And in the end she did.

Sara thanked me. For not giving up on her, for standing by her when things got tough, for doing what I had to do even if it meant she never spoke to me again...

But most of all...even though I've never felt like I deserved it, Sara thanked me for saving her life.