In the Beginning

Some wonder how it all starts, how you turn to cutting as an out. Well I am not not going to pretend I know, because honestly I dont, I dont know how it started, I just know that it happened, no thought just an action. I wouldnt say there was a specific cause either, but I can tell you what i was dealing with when it all started.
I had been depressed for a long while before that first cut and I hadnt been hanging out with the best of friends and the use of drugs and alcohol by others made me extremly anxious. I felt a responsibility to keep them safe and I would not let myself walk away because if I did something could happen and it would be my fault. We had a lot of fun together, but at the same time I knew that that was not the life I wanted to be living, it wasnt healthy for them or I. Nonetheless, I stuck around for years, I felt like they were really my only friends. So every weekend we would be out causing trouble and all I could think was that I had to keep them safe, alive, out of trouble.

Self harm never even occured to me. There was one night that was kind of a limit for me, I could take no more. I recall that I had left them so upset that night and they had no clue anything was even wrong with me. It was late when I got home that night, my whole family asleep, and I went to the kitchen and grabbed scissors from the drawer. I have no idea why I did because I truly never thought of self harm as an option and never desired to do so, however, I spent that night cutting myself over and over until it stung too much to keep going.

I was so confused after that, why I had done it, why did it feel right, why was I so broken. It took a couple weeks before I did it again, but after that I didnt seem to care, I just needed more.