July 17, 2011

Where were you July 17, 2011? What were you doing? Was it just a normal day of work? Did something major happen? Nothing at all? Well for me, July 17, 2011 was the day that I was going to die.

Of course the day didnt start out as the day I wanted to kill myself, I went to work early, was working hard in the sun, however, by late afternoon killing myself was the only thing that I could think about, nothing and nobody was going to stop me. I dont think that I can explain the feeling of wanting to commit suicide to those of you out there that have never felt it, but its like nothing I have felt before. My mind went blank. I wanted to be done with work so I could end it all. I felt peace, knowing the internal pain was gonna be over.

As I got closer and closer to being done at work I decided it a good idea to tell my best friend goodbye. I imagine this is the part that God comes in because if I hadnt told her I would be gone right now. She was scared, obviously, and decided it a good idea to tell someone else. This someone else was Megan Rayburn, for those of you who dont know her, she is the youth pastors wife at my church and someone I considered a good friend. After work I ended up at starbucks where Megan made me make the decision to go to the hospital.

We got in her car and the only option I had was to go along or fight every moment, but I had to call my parents first. My parents? I sobbed at the thought of that, them knowing how messed up I really was. Anyways, I didnt fight it, I went along with Megan all the way to Seattle and sat in the ER with her, her husband, my mom, and my dad, and this male nurse, named Darrell, who kept coming in and bugging me cause he was on suicide watch. I will admit, the number of people in this ER room coming and going while I felt horrible and like there was no point being there was super overwhelming, my anxiety levels were sky rocketing.

After six hours and a fake plastered smile on my face we decided that I would go to Fairfax Psychiatric Hospital. My main goal was to just get my meds worked out and who wouldnt like to get away from life for a bit? As for the psych ward....Ill tell you about that later.