Tonight I dont want to fight anymore
I keep imagining the blade
But it isnt normally like this
This time I picture it going straight into the vein
Instead of cutting to feel the pain
I want to stop the pain
I dont want to feel this way anymore
I want to end all the hurt.
I look in the mirror.
It isnt me anymore.
I cant find my face in the reflection
It is just enternal emptiness.
I hate who Ive become
Itd be so easy to quit now.
Oh does that blade call to me.
I cant move.
I know Ill find the blade.
Lord, give me strength
to get past this
to make it to tomorrow.
Not for me,
For everyone who supposedly cares about me.
Help me fight the evil thoughts
even if I dont want to.
Do it for the people who would be hurt.
I hate myself for this.
This feeling.
I. am. broken.
In the beginning of senior year I got myself a journal to write in, mostly because its the only compromise I could make with someone I confided in to not tell my parents everything. I hated writing. I could never get my thoughts clear enough to make any sense on the page, but after I convinced myself it didnt really have to make any sense, I got the hang of it. Me and my friends, who knew about the journal, referred to the book, which was a cheerful 8" by 10" bright green book, as the Book of Darkness. The journal had all my jumbled angry, upset, sad thoughts. It even had a few happy ones. By the end of freshman year in college I had written over 350 pages in that book, thinking it was stupid the entire way, yet somehow I kept going. Obviously it isnt a book I would ever want anyone to read, but it helped me. Writing what you feel, or trying, helps to just put it out there. Release it from your head a bit, makes things easier.
The 'poem' from above was from the Book of Darkness. I didnt know what I was feeling so I set out to just allow the pen to write what it wanted. That was the result, just one of the many confused, uncertain entries.
Take the time to write down what you feel, prayers, thoughts, letters, anything, write it down and see what results.
I truly think the hardest thing about writing is being honest. You've got that down. This is seriously moving stuff. I'm really glad you're doing this.
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