I obviously dont think that I am healed or anything like that, however I would probably say that I am working my way up. I still have my bad days, weeks. This week has been one of those total down weeks.
When I was working with my psychiatrist in Fairfax, we discovered that my bipolar highs are anger and my lows are depression. That being said, if I am not right in the middle it is a little difficult to get through a normal day.
I would say at the moment I am at a high, complete rage. I get so anxious and frustrated because I dont have any reason but there is so much anger just bubbling inside me, it takes me over. I also know that it is frustrating for the people around me. My family typically thinks I am a bitch, but when I am on a high they think I am a complete raging bitch. It isnt something I can really help, but I do hold it back as much as possible. I also dont tell them that I am on a high because, really, what kind of excuse is that?! If they dont understand then it is a crap excuse. This whole bipolar thing isnt quite black and white, its more everything in between, it isnt just happy or sad, its like euphoric and raging, it is different for everyone.
When you arent going through something like this you cant fully understand it...I bet thats frustrating for you who want to.
This week, being an angry high, it has caused more anxiety and panic which leads to urges. I have almost messed up a couple times this week and turned to the blade, but I know that I would be so livid at myself if I did. I try so hard to hold on to the happy moments instead of the dark thoughts when I am so low, its hard, but I do have people in my life who help me remember.
Hitting a little baby rough patch, I pray to God that I have strength to get through it.
No comments:
Post a Comment